


Catch Me If You Can

by Alletsiva (Avistella)



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Drama, Dry Humping, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kissing, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Second Person, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Prostitution, Reader Is Not MC, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Smut, Swearing, Takes place after Zen's Bad Story End 2, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, as the chapters progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:16:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 39,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8824333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avistella/pseuds/Alletsiva
Summary: You were the goody-two-shoes; he was the bad boy. But people change over time.When he started rising to stardom, you started falling from grace. But it's okay. Your angel will save you.





	1. Chapter 1

You wince slightly as you swing your legs over the unfamiliar bed. Your eyes sweep across the dark room but find it to be devoid of any other human life. It seemed as though your client had left in a hurry, but that was fine. He left a considerably large wad of cash for you on the bedside table after all. Slowly, you try to stand up but find your legs still sore from your previous session last night, so you decide to rest just a bit longer.

Your mind is in a haze as you try to recollect what happened. Your client this time around was especially rough and very picky about what he wanted. Or perhaps he was just desperate to let go of all his pent up frustrations. In any case, all you remembered was the feeling of oversensitivity as the male continued to pound into you, calling you by derogatory names; you must have blacked out quickly after that. You harshly clicked your tongue, making a mental note to take a break from rough clients for the time being and stick to the more inexperienced ones. At least with them, you'd have more control of the situation.

Once you've recovered enough, you cleaned yourself up, making sure to take the cash with you, placing it in a safe place before leaving the hotel. Upon entering the streets, you take a moment to squint your eyes and have them adjust to the sudden bright light from the sun. You inwardly groan from all the noise and bustling about as you start making your way back to your apartment. You make sure to keep your head down, not wanting to make eye contact nor interact with anyone. All you want to do is just go home and unwind after a long night.

The moment you're home, you slip off your heels and start stripping to just your undergarments. You haphazardly throw your clothes on the floor along with all the others, deciding to pick them up at a later date as you dig through your closet for more comfortable clothing to wear around the house. You lazily flop down on the couch, picking up the remote and started to mindlessly flip through the channels.

"Why are all the shows so shit nowadays?" you mutter to yourself, unable to find something good to watch. That was until a familiar face flashed across the screen. Immediately, your fingers froze, hovering just above the button to switch channels. You've seen that face before. It was older and more refined and matured than you last remembered, but it was still just as beautiful as it was in your memory, if not more so.

You're not really paying attention to what's going on, too distracted by the male's beauty on the screen. Apparently it was some kind of talk show to clear up some sort of scandal? You didn't really care as to what they were talking about as you continued to watch the actor get more and more riled up in his seat before eventually having the program cut to commercial.

"Huh..." you breathed out, allowing yourself to lean back on your couch as a cat food commercial replaced the program you were watching. "So that's where he's been..." Your lips slowly curve themselves upwards into a smile as you let out an amused hum, a small tone of bitterness lying just underneath. "I wonder if I should try contacting him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is pretty much just self-indulgent stuff because I love Zen so much. This fic will also be a bit of a woozy. Reader is supposed to be a complete mess with Zen trying to help her out. The smut will come at later chapters, I apologize. But I _will_ try to have all sorts of varying smut (romantic, fluffy, steamy, rough...) with a few varying kinks to kinda make up for it. ;;  
>  Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	2. Chapter 2

Zen breathed out a heavy sigh, his shoulders sagging as he opened the door to his apartment before dragging his feet inside. He felt so tired and defeated; it was hard to find the energy to do anything. The interview was a mistake. He acted far too rashly and impulsively, not bothering to gather some evidence first for his case against Echo Girl's accusation. Of course... After all, Zen was still just a small-name actor. There's no way anybody would listen to his words over those of a famous idol. Sexual harassment was a serious accusation to be put under; there was no doubt that the public's views would be very divisive on the topic.

Zen had always dreamed of becoming well-known to the public, but not like _this_. This wasn't what he imagined. It would be naive to think that just because he wasn't well known that the media wouldn't give him and this issue so much publicity. The media would take any news they could get to rile up the general public.

Just then, the actor received a text message from Seven, _"I saw the program. Are you okay?"_

Zen frowned, clicking his tongue as he threw his phone onto the couch. How could anyone possibly believe or even _think_ that he was okay? Acting was his passion. His dream. And now it's all been reduced to practically nothing just because of one woman's words against him. Now the media was hounding on the actor, and even some of the general public have violated his privacy, staking out his home just to verbally attack the poor male. It was a struggle getting back inside his own apartment, trying to be as civil as he possibly could considering the situation as he pushed through the crowd, and Zen had no doubt that it'd be just as much of a struggle to leave, too. The young man considered taking down his address from his fan site, but it was already too late. They already knew where he lived. It would only be a matter of time before his mail, once filled with constant fan letters, will be filled with death threats instead.

Where did it all go wrong? Was it because he was too selfish? Was it because he was too impulsive? The new party coordinator that Zen thought he had feelings for urged him constantly to quit his job. It had hurt him, having the person he loved not support him in the thing he loved to do. The young man bit back a sob as he allowed himself to lie down face-first on his couch.

What was the actor supposed to do now? The RFA party was in two days, but Zen wasn't sure if he would be able to attend. The actor cursed under his breath, tightening his jaw and clenching his hands into fists. He was upset, and he had no idea what to do with himself. While Zen continued to wallow in his self-pity, he felt his phone vibrate. Not really in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment, but still afraid that it might be something important, Zen checked his phone. It was a text message from a co-worker of his that was close to.

_"I just heard about what happened. I believe you wouldn't do anything like that, and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. How about accompanying me to some place to help distract you? I'll pay."_

Zen considered the text for a moment before deftly replying, _"Thanks. I'll take you up on your offer."_

As long as it could take his mind off of his current situation, Zen was willing to go anywhere.

* * *

...Well, that was what Zen thought, but he never expected his co-worker to bring him to a club. A very shady-looking one too. While the set-up was more or less similar to that of a typical club, this one was much more...free? Unique? Zen couldn't find the right word, but it was different and definitely made him feel a tad bit uncomfortable. The actor's co-worker that he came here with had left to "entertain himself", as he so put it, with a hostess who happened to catch his interest, leaving the actor to awkwardly sit by himself.

Zen's eyes flickered over to the name of the club. _Masquerade_. It felt oddly fitting, considering how people walked about, their faces obscured by all sorts of masks, not to mention the overall regal feel of the place. It would have felt like an actual ballroom had it not been for the sickly sweet stench of alcohol or muffled lewd sounds of moans and cries that filled the air. The actor was starting to feel out of place.

"Would you like a drink?" a woman walked up to Zen, batting her long eyelashes at him as she bent forward, allowing him a clear view of the valley between her breasts. The actor declined, not even sparing her a second glance as he remembered the way Echo Girl bragged about how she had natural D-sized breasts. Or was it B? Hell, Zen didn't know how women measured their breasts with letters.

In any case, the actor had already looked at the drinks available but wasn't really fond of any of them. Some of them he didn't even know and didn't feel like risking it. When asked again, the woman insisting, the young man kindly refused, and the woman pouted. After a while, she figured she would get nowhere with him and decided to go entertain another customer for their money, leaving Zen all alone once more.

Even in a place like this, Zen found his thoughts wandering back to his current predicament. He sighed, hanging his head and letting it rest on his hands. Maybe he should just leave. However, before Zen could act on that thought, a beer can was placed on the table in front of him, the sound prompting him to lift up his head. It was one of his favourite brands. Curious, the young man's eyes travel up to the owner of the hand that offered him this drink.

It's a different woman from before, one he hadn't seen yet but felt as if they've met already somewhere in the recesses of his mind. The hostess before Zen, in other words _you_ , smiled kindly at him. "May I sit beside you?"

Dumbfounded by how vaguely familiar your voice sounds, the actor merely nods in response and shifts in his seat to allow you space to sit. You sit down with practiced grace, bringing one leg over to drape and cross over the other. Zen continues to stare at you, entranced by your eyes behind your mask. It was part of the uniform for all the hosts and hostesses of this club to wear a mask. Each employee donned a different mask from each other, making it easier for clients to differentiate between everyone should they end up choosing a preference.

You slightly adjusted your butterfly mask on your face before smoothing out your dress. Your eyes flickered to the young man beside you as you carefully thought about how you should approach him. It felt strange, being in Zen's presence again after he had disappeared from your life all those years ago. You smile bitterly to yourself as you try to bury those thoughts away. Right now, Zen was just any other customer. You highly doubted he would remember you anyways...

"Thanks for the drink," Zen finally speaks as he takes the beer can that you had placed on the table, and lifts it to his lips to take several gulps.

 _"Must be troubled,"_ you think to yourself. But then you vaguely remember the interview he had on TV, and you decide against bringing it up and asking him about it. You wanted to keep him comfortable and entertained, so you decided to tread carefully. Slowly, your lips part to strike up a conversation, "And what's a work of art like you doing here all alone?"

Zen laughs at the way you addressed him and answers vaguely, "Work trouble. I needed a distraction."

"Do you want to talk about it?" you ask, genuinely curious as you casually place a hand on his shoulder. Your eyes gauge his reaction, and when he makes no effort to move nor show any discomfort, you inwardly smile.

Zen shakes his head, "I don't want to trouble you."

You laugh, and Zen looks at you like you're a puzzle he's trying to solve, but you don't notice it. "I see you haven't changed much."

As soon as the words leave your lips, your eyes widen, and you see that Zen's has too. _Shit_. You weren't supposed to let that comment slip, and you make a mental note to try to get more sleep to prevent any other potential slips of the tongue in the future. "Do I know you?" Zen inquires, raising an eyebrow.

You quickly go through several different scenarios with different responses in your mind. The actor waits for you to speak, watches as your lips curve into a coy smile. The hand that you placed on Zen's shoulder trails down and rests on his arm. "Maybe you do," you finally answer in a whisper. "How about we make it a game?"

It looks like Zen is considering the idea. After a moment, he responds, "...Sounds fun."

"Perfect," you grin as you lean back, taking your hand off of the male. From the corner of your eyes, you see Zen's fingers involuntarily twitch, and you bite back the smirk that threatens to take over your features. That's right. Give a little and make them get used to the feeling before teasingly pulling away, leaving them craving for more.

"I _do_ know you though, right?" the young man questions to clarify, and you nod.

"Yes. If you could correctly guess who I am, then you win."

"What do I get if I win?" There's a playful tone to the actor's voice, one that you've heard before and thought you've forgotten.

You didn't think that far ahead, you realize. Shrugging your shoulders, you decide to wing it. "You'll see if you win."

Zen's eyes narrow slightly from the new challenge, thoughts of the previous events of his day completely forgotten. "You're on."

The actor starts going through several names you've never heard of, and you shake your head at each one. With each new name though, you can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Zen was beautiful and kind; there was no doubt he would be involved—whether romantically, sexually, or not—with so many different women. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to you, but it does. You struggle to push down those feelings. It's been years; you should have gotten over him by now, but—

"Are you _sure_ you didn't say no to any of the previous names I've said before?" Zen asks, looking at you suspiciously.

"I'm pretty sure I know what my own name is, and you haven't said it." You bite back the hopeful " _yet_ " that you wanted to tack onto the end of your sentence. Why were you getting so worked up? Sure, you didn't expect Zen to recognize you, but you kind of hoped he would at least remember your name amongst all the other women in his life. ...Or maybe Zen just never considered that the person you once were the last time he saw you would be in a place like _this_.

"I'm pretty sure I _know_ you," Zen huffs as he crosses his arms over his chest. "You sound familiar; I just can't put a name to it. It's on the tip of my tongue..." You watch as the actor furrows his brows deep in thought, and you lean forward, placing your hand on his knee. He glances up at you and asks, "can't you take off the mask? I'm sure if I see your face I would know right away."

You don't believe his words for a single second, but nevertheless, you respond, "Even if I remove this mask, all that will remain will just be another mask." It wasn't your intention to sound so cryptic and poetic, but you end up laughing at yourself all the same. When you finally bring your eyes to the male before you again, he just looks even more confused. He looks extremely cute like that, but there was no way you were going to say that out loud. Hell, you didn't even want to admit it to yourself lest it crumble all your resolve to remain neutral in his presence.

Without even thinking, you lean towards Zen once more, placing a quick and chaste kiss on his cheek. He flushes, and you're left wondering if he was always this shy towards physical affection. "I'm just teasing," you try to wave off your previous comment about your mask. "It's hard not to when in the presence of an angel."

Zen laughs at that before replying with a question, "Who's the angel? Me or you?"

Immediately, you're reminded of the first time he gave you that nickname. His voice rang inside your head, but it was distant and far off. Nothing more than a mere remnant of the past that you desperately try not to think about.

> _"You must be an angel sent from heaven."_
> 
> _Your cheeks flushed at the sudden compliment. It was rare for you to be complimented so highly, especially by someone so ethereal himself. The young man grins at your flustered face before continuing. "Will you be my angel?"_

You shake your head, willing the memory to fade away. Your heart clenches; the memories always start to flood in after the first one settles in, and you don't want that. You _can't_ have that. At the very least, not when you're still at work. In an attempt to distract yourself, you try to move the conversation along. You can only hope your act doesn't come out too shaky. "Oh? You're calling this temptress an angel?"

You watch as Zen opens his mouth to speak, but before he could even utter out a single sound, a crashing sound is heard in a nearby booth. You decide to take that as your chance to excuse yourself from the young man. As you walk over to the booth that's causing a ruckus, you can't help but feel Zen's gaze on your retreating figure. Your steps falter the slightest bit when you decide to spare a glance back at him.

 _Oh_.

He made eye contact with you, and for a moment, you let your emotions slip. Or at least, you think you have, because Zen's expression changes in the slightest. At that point, however, you're too afraid to look too deep into reading it, so you turn on your heels once more.

> _"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"_
> 
> _Your finger paused mid-turn of the page of the textbook you were currently studying. After your mind had processed his words, you laughed at the way he naturally used such an old pick-up line without any hint of cringe in his voice. Unbelievable. The young man sat across from you, smiling as he propped up his elbows on the table, his chin resting on the palms of his hands. You shook your head._
> 
> _"No, because I had you to catch me."_

You scowl at the memories that won't go away, your hand going up to tug at your hair before remembering the amount of effort you put in it to make it look presentable. You don't want to ruin it and waste all that hard work, so you opt to clench your hands instead.

Yes, it did. It hurt a lot when you fell, because the actor wasn't there to catch you on that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just supposed to smut with some plot, but then I decided to expand the plot ~~a bit~~ a lot, so this fic will probably end up being _several_ chapters long of varying length.  
>  Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

It's been just a bit over a week since the new party co-ordinator joined the RFA. A few days since she had visited Zen's apartment when the actor decided to himself that he loved this woman. ...But did he really? He was starting to doubt himself and his feelings towards the young woman. The actor thought that she was kind and perfect at first, but now he wasn't so sure. He can't recall when, but at some point, the party co-ordinator had started to sound...clingy, almost.

She had insisted multiple times to Zen that he should just quit acting overall and focus on her instead. She lacked faith in him that he would be able to overcome the scandal with Echo Girl. Zen thought that the young woman would offer her support to him with the scandal just like how she offered support when he had hurt his ankle, but he was mistaken. Without a doubt, Zen felt betrayed and hurt. He didn't know what to feel anymore.

A notification sound popped up from his phone, and Zen hesitatingly logged into the open chatroom, but he didn't stay for long. As soon as their newest member started going "I told you so", he had abruptly left without so much of a hello or goodbye. Frustrated, the actor decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air.

It was an absolute struggle to leave his apartment, and even while walking on the streets, the actor found himself to be the target of scrutinizing stares. Or perhaps it was just paranoia. The young man had barely gotten any sleep since the whole scandal thing started, so it _was_ a possibility. In any case, it was difficult for Zen to walk out in public without attracting too much attention, so he quickly tried to find a more secluded place to stay for a while.

What Zen didn't expect though was for his legs to bring him back to the club from last night, Masquerade. He didn't know why he went there nor why he chose to linger, but he did find his thoughts coming back to the woman he had met there. In the end, he was never able to correctly guess your name, and a part of him felt disappointed with himself. Why?

Zen was an actor and knew how to pick up on certain things about how a person was feeling. When you were with him, there was a certain air of sadness around you, he realized. The young man didn't think much of it at the time. After all, for somebody to work in a place like that, then perhaps it's because they had a troubled past. But Zen apparently knew you, and he felt like he needed to help you overcome that sadness. The way your eyes looked at him; it was like they were begging him. But for what?

Before the actor could delve into his thoughts any further, he heard the sound of the door opening followed by clacking heels against the pavement. Zen looked up, curious and slightly hopeful, and his eyes widened when they landed upon a familiar face. Zen _knew_ that face. He knew it all too well. Without so much of a second thought, the actor called out the name that was on the tip of his tongue last night. _Your_ name.

Instinctively, you look up upon hearing your name being called. Your eyes make contact with red ones, and you freeze in place. For a moment, neither you nor Zen move from your spot, merely staring at each other as though you're trying to process on whether or not what— _who_ —you're seeing before you is real. The actor takes one tentative step towards your frozen form which is enough to break you out of your trance. You hurriedly turn on your heel and run as fast as you can.

"Wait!" you hear Zen call out after you, but you ignore him.

 _No, no, no, no!_ He wasn't supposed to see. He wasn't supposed to see and find you here. He wasn't supposed to know about the person that you had become. It's true that ever since you found him again thanks to that one TV program that you'd been debating on contacting Zen, but you didn't want your reunion to be like _this_. Despite your efforts, you just couldn't outrun the actor. Zen's hand firmly grasped your wrist, and you squeeze your eyes shut as he tries to pull you back towards him.

"Let go of me!" you shriek, struggling to free yourself from the young man's grip, but he wouldn't budge.

"Hey, wait! Just hold on and listen to me—" Zen had no doubt that this wouldn't look good for him if somebody happened to stumble upon this scene. A young woman thrashing about, desperate to escape what could only be seen as an imposing man's grip.

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself for what you're about to do. You lift your heels and stomp _hard_ atop the actor's foot. He immediately lets go, and guilt bubbles up in your chest when you see the pain etched on his features, but you force down your urge to apologize, taking this as your chance to escape.

_This wasn't supposed to happen._

* * *

By the time night falls and you're working again, you've managed to compose yourself and have calmed down. You mentally berated yourself for having decided to go to the club in the afternoon to retrieve your forgotten phone instead of waiting until later when you would go back to work in the late hours. Maybe then you could have avoided having Zen see your face. But what was done is done.

You had just about finished fixing yourself up in the staff room when a co-worker peeked her head in. "Hey, you have a potential client calling for you."

"Mkay, I'll be there soon," you answered, grabbing onto your butterfly mask and putting it on.

"Go get 'im," your co-worker nudged you with her elbow as you passed by her at the door. She flashed you a playful wink. "He's quite the looker, you lucky duck."

Your heels tap against the floor as you make your way over to the booth where your client was supposed to be waiting. Unsurprisingly enough, you find Zen sitting there, eyebrows stitched together in thought and worry as he twiddled with his fingers. He looked even more nervous and distraught than the last time he was here. You took a steady breath to prepare yourself for what you knew would be a long night with this young man.

For a second, you open your mouth to apologize for what happened before but decide against it. If memory served you well, Zen would have already healed from that by now, and to be frank, you didn't feel like apologizing for having acted the way you had. You were desperate and upset, and you didn't want Zen to know that.

"Are you sure you should be here?" you ask instead, not bothering to put on your usual act. There was no point now that Zen knew who you were. As soon as your voice reaches his ears, the actor snaps his head up to look at you, and you continue with a shrug of your shoulders, "I mean, if people caught sight of an actor like you going to a place like this..."

You trail off, hoping Zen would understand what you were trying to say. He heaves a defeated sigh, "My image is already ruined."

"So you're giving up just like that?" you scoff before making your way over to sit down beside him. "How disappointing."

You still have no idea just what Zen's scandal was, forgetting to properly look into it, but it frustrated you that the person you knew to be so hardworking and determined was accepting defeat so easily. But even so, you felt pity for him, and a part of you still wanted to support the person in your memories. ...If he was still even there. Maybe the Zen that you once knew no longer existed.

"I still don't think you should risk ruining your image any further. You can still get back up, like you've always had. If you get into any more scandals, then finding a theatre to cast you would be even more difficult."

Zen remained quiet for a few seconds before he asked, "Why do you care so much?" He was genuinely curious and wanted to know. After all, even if the two of you were once close in the past, it wasn't like it was that way now. With the way you were right now, you acted as though you were a stranger to him.

"Because you love acting," you answer without missing a beat. "It was your dream. Your passion. You shouldn't give up on it so easily..."

The actor considers your words. He then replied, "I remember you being passionate about becoming an English teacher so you could teach abroad. What happened?"

You bite your lower lip. That was a topic of discussion that you wanted to avoid at all costs, whether it was with Zen or anyone else. Your lips part, breathing out softly as you lean in much closer towards the male, pressing your body against him. Your chest is against his arm and your thigh is firmly pushing against his own. "It doesn't matter what happened in the past," you whisper in his ear, your warm breath sending shivers down the actor's spine, and you giggle lightly when he squirms slightly in his seat. You hoped this would be a good enough distraction from the topic. "But if we're talking about being passionate..." you paused for a moment, allowing your hand to press against Zen's chest before trailing it down to the crotch of his pants where an obvious bulge was starting to form. "I'd rather be passionate with you in bed," you exhale, offering a small and rehearsed moan for added effect.

Your eyes flicker between his own eyes and his growing bulge as you lightly trace your finger around it. You hear Zen's breath hitch in his throat, a small whine barely making it past his lips that he was now biting. You remember how you used to always dream of touching him like this when you were younger. You were shy back then, but that didn't necessarily mean you were innocent either.

There were so many nights you spent in your bed, fantasizing about Zen making love to you. You dreamed of having his strong hands gently roam across your exposed skin while his cock would tirelessly work its way in and out of you, leaving you to feel breathless yet so full and satisfied. You would imagine the actor crying out your name like it was the only thing he knew as he would throw his head back, filling you with his essence.

Suddenly, you're broken away from your fantasy when a hand grips at your wrist, gentle but firm, forcing you to pull your hand away. Curious, and perhaps a tad bit frustrated, you look up towards Zen. His eyes are half-lidded with a swirling storm of emotions as he stares at you. You realize he's breathing heavily, cheeks perfectly flushed, and you're left wondering why he interrupted your tease-like fondling when it looked as though he was enjoying it.

"I—I shouldn't..." Zen breathes out, pausing to swallow and then continues, "I don't think you should—"

You know that Zen means no ill-will with those words, but they still hurt you like all those other times before, spoken by the people you thought you could trust.

> _"I don't think you should hang out with that guy."_  
>  _"I don't think you should spend so much of your time on something so useless."_  
>  _"I don't think you should go for it."_  
>  _"I don't think you should—"_

You snap, unable to contain your bitter resentment. "It's my job. It's _my_ life. Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do."

The actor's eyes widen by a fraction at your outburst, and you swiftly turn your head away, ashamed. Zen watches your expression twist and contort from embarrassment to pain to defeat. A shaky sigh escapes your lips as you abruptly stand up from your seat, muttering a small apology before excusing yourself.

Zen could do nothing but watch your retreating figure. From behind, you looked so tired and broken, completely different from the vibrant and capable young woman you once were in his memories. Zen remembers you well. How couldn't he? You were one of the most positive influences during the lowest period of his life. You were his light back then. His saviour. So then how? When and how did his angel fall from grace?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	4. Chapter 4

It's the day of the RFA party, but Zen has other plans in mind. The actor didn't think it would be a good idea for him to attend while the media was still gnawing at him about his scandal. The RFA party was supposed to be an organized event that would help those in need; it would be much better if it stayed away from anything negative from the public eye, including Zen's scandal. The other members insisted that he attend, not caring about what the media had to say, but they eventually realized that Zen merely wasn't in the mood and reluctantly backed down.

So now, while the party was going on, Zen wandered to the destination he had in mind. The actor would be lying if he said that he wasn't lonely. After all, it's been a long time since they last hosted a party, and he misses it. It was both beneficial and fun for the actor, getting to meet new sponsors as well as taking a break from work. Since the arrival of their newest member, it was something the actor was looking forward to. The party, along with the RFA itself, was special to him. It was special to him, which is why he decided to maintain some distance for now. If and when the whole scandal situation quiets down a bit, only then would Zen go back to how things were. For now though, he had another matter to tend to.

"I think this is it..." the young man muttered to himself as he double checked the address that was given to him by your co-worker last night. Slowly, he brought up his hand and knocked on the door.

You had decided to finally clean up around your place, picking up the scattered dirty laundry from the floor when you heard the gentle knocking from your door. For a second, you pause in your motions, thinking that maybe you heard wrong. After all, you almost never got any visitors. The knocks came again, and you groaned as your feet begrudgingly brought you to the door. Due to the events of last night, you really weren't in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment.

"Yes?" you ask with irritation lacing your voice as you swing the door open, not bothering to look beforehand at who it was. You regretted it soon afterwards when you saw Zen's face. Surprise creeps up onto your features, and hidden amongst your growing scowl, pain and heartache flashes in your eyes just as you quickly go to slam the door back shut in front of the young man's face.

"Wait," Zen easily overpowers you, and while he could effortlessly force his way inside, he still waits for you to invite him in. It annoys you in a way, but after considering your options, you groan in defeat as you harshly swing the door fully open, allowing it to bang against the wall. You turn on your heel to go back to your chores, and the actor takes that as his cue to come inside, closing the door behind him much more gentle than you did opening it. The young man then turns around and allows his eyes to travel across the living room, surprised to be met with a mess of strewn clothes and papers and other miscellaneous objects.

> _When the white-haired male first entered your room, he was stunned silent at how neat and organized everything was. There were a few stray items here and there, but overall, it was very well-kept. He whistled in admiration._
> 
> _"I'm impressed," he said as he walked around, inspecting the different novels on your bookshelf and other small displays._
> 
> _"I like to think that this level of cleanliness is relatively normal and not something to be easily impressed by," you shrugged your shoulders as you moved to clean up whatever remaining mess remained, feeling self-conscious about it now that Zen was there._
> 
> _The young man chuckled, "What can I say? I'm easily impressed."_
> 
> _"I can tell, what with the way you're easily impressed by someone like me," you answered. It had meant to sound teasing and as a joke, but the male had still managed to pick up on the bitterness in your tone. Then, without warning, you were spun around, forced to become face-to-face with piercing red eyes. Your breath hitched in your throat when they gazed at you so seriously and so intensely._
> 
> _"You're amazing. Please, don't ever think of yourself as anything less."_
> 
> _Your eyebrows furrowed together, a whirlstorm of emotions inside you. "...I can't promise that."_

Zen snapped himself away from those distant memories. Thinking about it now, perhaps that was when you slowly started changing, but he just never realized it. Looking back, the cracks that formed in you should have been obvious to the male. Zen should have seen it, but he didn't. Maybe if he tried a bit harder to understand you, you wouldn't be where you are now. Regret starts to rise in his chest, and he feels his throat constrict with guilt.

"Do you want anything to drink?" you ask, still refusing to make eye contact with the male. "Since you're here anyways, I might as well try to be hospitable."

The actor finds himself letting out a small sigh of relief. Perhaps it's a bit more rough around the edges this time around, but Zen's glad that a part of you still hasn't changed.

> _"You really don't have to cook me anything," Zen laughed as he watched you head towards your kitchen with purposeful strides._
> 
> _"Nonsense!" you snapped at him. "You're a guest, and I absolutely will not have you being hungry while you're here."_
> 
> _"Hmm~ You know, you'd make a great housewife one day—ahh! Why are you hitting me with the spatula?" the young man's laughter grew in volume as he tried to run away from your playful attacks with the kitchen utensil as your weapon._
> 
> _"Don't tease me!" you huffed, puffing your flushed cheeks into a pout._
> 
> _Zen poked your cheek, his eyes closing together in joy, "I wasn't teasing though! I really do mean it!"_

"I'll just have some water," Zen finally answers, and you quickly finish up what you were doing before heading towards the kitchen to fill up a glass, as well as retrieving a can of beer for yourself. Zen quirks an eyebrow when he sees the can but doesn't say anything. He never would have thought that you'd end up drinking one day when you used to constantly nag him about how bad alcohol was to his health. Maybe at some point, you just stopped caring. Or maybe you just cared too much.

A question lodges itself in the actor's throat, and he struggles to find the proper words for them while the two of you take occasional sips from your drinks. The atmosphere is tense and heavy, and Zen could tell that you didn't want him here. Nevertheless, he stayed. He wanted to stay, because despite the anger and annoyance you were emitting, the actor could see that you were lonely. Behind your facial expressions was a silent plea, and Zen heard it, which is why he wasn't going to leave you alone.

You had meant so much to him back then, supportive towards his dreams, and while you didn't necessarily condone his behaviour back then, you never told him what to do either. He had so many bad days, and you were always there to pick him up. To offer your shoulder for him to lean on, or your warmth for whenever he felt so hollow and bare.

"What changed...?" Zen finds himself accidentally speaking his thoughts out loud, but he doesn't apologize. Instead, he glances towards you; since the question was already out there, he might as well try to get an answer out of you.

You narrow your eyes at the question, setting your beer can down so that you could cross your arms over your chest. Zen immediately realizes that you're being defensive and cautious, but he doesn't retract his question. He wants to know. He needs to know so that if it's something he could fix, he would do it in a heartbeat. You've done so much for him before, and he wanted to return the favour.

"Nothing," you angrily spit out. It's a complete lie, and you know that Zen would never believe it, but even so, that's the only answer you give.

The actor sets down his glass too and makes his way over to you. For every step he takes closer towards you, you resist the urge to take a step back. You won't show weakness here. You can't, so you stubbornly stand your ground. Zen cups your chin and forces you to look into his eyes, and for one brief second, your expression falters which is enough to convince Zen to continue.

"That's a lie," Zen unsurprisingly calls you out on it.

"And?"

"Please, what happened to you?" the young man pleaded. "You were never like this before..."

> _"What's wrong with you? You were on top of your grades! What the hell happened? Why are you being like this?"_

"I don't know what you're talking about..." you reply, your voice coming out as a vulnerable whisper. So much for being strong.

Zen's eyebrows furrow in worry, "You were always so vibrant..."

> _"You disappointment."_

"And kind..."

> _"What a waste. Honestly."_

"And hardworking..."

> _"Do you enjoy being like this? Do you want to make me mad?"_

_Fuck_. You feel your eyes start to sting as you shakily ask, "Are you saying that I'm a failure?"

Zen is surprised by the sudden question. "What? No, I—"

"Are you saying that you're disappointed with me?" you continue, your voice increasing in volume with each word that escapes your lips.

"That's not what I'm saying. I just—"

" _I know_!" you screech, pushing away from Zen with all your might, his gentle touch burning you. You can no longer hear his voice as you continue to scream, "I know that I'm a failure! I know that I'm a disappointment! I don't need you to remind me!! It's not like I wanted this, y'know. I just—" you pause to take a breath, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. Your vision is blurred, and there's a throbbing ache in both your heart and head. " _I just wanted to be **happy**!!_ Was that too much to ask?! I just—!"

Your strength gives out, and your legs buckle underneath your weight. You go to fall to the floor, unable to support yourself, but before you could make contact with the hard surface, Zen has you in his arms. As soon as you realize that you're caught in his embrace, you desperately try to struggle away, but he just tightens his grip around you as he brings the two of you down to kneel on the floor. It's terrifying. It's been so long since you were last held with such genuine concern and care that you're scared and don't know what to do.

The young man lifts up a hand, placing it at the back of your head, gently pushing your face to his chest. The heartbeat of another human being is almost calming, and with the soft breaths blowing against some strands of your hair at the top of your head, you reluctantly find yourself burying yourself even further into Zen's warmth. He holds you against him, his grip strong and firm while you tremble and shake, drenching Zen's shirt with your tears.

After what seemed to be like an eternity, you've finally managed to calm down, but Zen doesn't let go nor loosen his grip. The two of you remain in that position for a bit longer, and after exhausting yourself of your tears, you slowly find your eyelids becoming heavy. You want to pull away, but at the same time, you don't ever want to leave this comfort. Your eyelids slowly close themselves shut, and when Zen hears and feels your deep and steady breaths against him, he glances down to look at you.

Carefully, as to not disturb your sleep, the actor lifts you up and spends a few moments trying to look for your bedroom before gently setting you down on your bed. He stares at you for a while, his mind replaying your breakdown. He considered leaving to give you some space, but in the end, he decided to stay by your side until you woke up. You've probably already spent enough days and nights waking up alone, and Zen doesn't want you to feel like that ever again.

The young man encases your hand in his and makes a vow to himself. "I'll help you reach that happiness that you wanted. We'll both try to reach our happiness. Together. Just like we once promised..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here you'll find a perfect example of a self-indulgent fic turning into a projection fic, whoops.  
> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	5. Chapter 5

> _You were walking home a bit later than you usually did after school. Your club activities ended up dragging on a bit late due to various reasons that eventually started to give you a headache by the time your club was dismissed. You sighed deeply, adjusting the straps of your bag on your shoulders for the umpteenth time since you started heading back to your home. The textbooks weighed down heavily, causing you to walk at a much slower pace. You definitely weren't looking forward to doing the homework, but you tried to motivate yourself, saying it'd be better to just finish it now rather than put it off for later._
> 
> _...That was when you first saw him. Your footsteps and thoughts had slowed to a stop when your eyes fell upon the most beautiful man you've ever seen in your life. This young man looked to be around the same age as you but still somehow managed to emit an air of maturity around himself. He leaned back against the railing of the bridge you were crossing, all clad in a leather jacket with a cigarette in hand. Shiny-looking white hair cascaded down his back, neatly tied into a ponytail. As though sensing your gaze on him, the young man's red eyes flickered over to your form._
> 
> _You jumped slightly and felt your cheeks flush. It was too late to turn your eyes away and pretend that the eye contact was just accidental. He had caught you staring, but as embarrassed as you were, you couldn't tear your gaze away from him. This gorgeous-looking male stared at you for a moment with a look of surprise and curiosity before his lips curved into a devilish smirk and winked towards your direction._
> 
> _You could have sworn you would have fainted right then and there had you not been out in public. It was a bit embarrassing to admit, but at the time you first encountered him, you were going through a "bad boy phase" and he most definitely fit that image. Finally bringing yourself back to reality, you casted your eyes downwards and willed yourself to start walking again._
> 
> _You needed to walk past him to get back to your home, and your heart was beating erratically the closer you got to the male. You couldn't bring yourself to look up and make eye-contact again, but you can still feel his gaze on you as you walked. As you passed by him, you found yourself holding your breath. Your pace slightly quickened, your shyness slowly taking over. Unfortunately, your steps faltered, and you tripped. The weight of your bag was too heavy, preventing you from regaining your footing. All you could do was prepare yourself for the pain from the impact, but it never came. Instead, a strong arm caught you by the waist, steadying you._
> 
> _"Whoa there," a male voice spoke, and it didn't need to take a genuis to figure out that the owner was none other than the male you just passed by. "Careful now... Are you okay?" You slowly lifted up your head, letting out an audible squeak when you saw just how close he was. The male quirked an eyebrow at the sound before chuckling, sending butterflies to your stomach. "How cute!"_
> 
> _That was too much for you to bear, and you quickly straightened yourself up, clumsily mumbling out a few apologies and words of gratitude before running away. Despite your hasty retreat, a part of you convinced yourself to look back, and when you did, you saw that he was still watching you. When your eyes made contact for the last time, the young man waved. Seeing that, you couldn't help but hope that you'd be able to bump into him again one day._

Your eyelids slowly fluttered open, your mind a complete haze as you tried to remember what on earth happened. Piece by piece, it came back to you, and you felt frustration and shame bubble up in your chest for having shown such a weak side of yourself to Zen. You tried to sit up, and that was when you felt a warmth on your hand. Glancing down, you realize that somebody is holding your hand.

"And Sleeping Beauty awakens," the owner of the hand chuckles, and your eyes trail up his arm before stopping at his eyes. Zen gazes at you with a soft expression, and you don't know how you feel about waking up to him.

"You're still here...?" You meant for it to sound more harsh to push the actor away, but your voice instead comes out shaky and vulnerable, disbelief laced in it.

Zen simply nods before moving the conversation along, "Do you want a glass of water?"

Unable to trust your own voice, you slowly nod. Zen gets up from his seat, allowing his hands to hold onto yours for just a bit longer before eventually pulling away to head to the kitchen to retrieve your drink. You tightly grasp your blanket as you try to clear your thoughts of everything. Soon enough, Zen returned with a glass in hand and offers it to you. Your fingers accidentally brush against his as you reach for it, and suddenly, your heart aches with a longing for more contact from the actor. You try to shake those emotions away though, not wanting to be selfish. If you were too selfish, then this dream will surely end.

"Are you..." Zen starts, hesitating slightly on the last word, but you already know what it is he wants to ask.

"I'm fine," you speak out the rehearsed lie. The actor looks at you skeptically but doesn't press any further, much to your relief. Just then, Zen's phone chimes, and he takes it out to glance at the message. You watch the way he furrows his eyebrows together, and a part of you wants to kiss those creases away. To wash those worries away like he did so many times before.

> _"Are you okay?" Zen asked when he saw you approaching him. He knew you weren't though because you were crying and coming to him despite how late in the evening it is. You shook your head, trying to wipe away your tears with the back of your hand. The young man opened up his arms for you, and you flung yourself into his chest._
> 
> _"It's okay..." he cooed in your ear as he combed his fingers through your hair. "I'm here for you..."_

Eventually, you force yourself to stop looking at the young man and instead bring your attention to your clock. "Oh crap," you groaned, prompting Zen to look up from his phone and shoot you a curious glance. You swung your legs over to the side of the bed and stood up. "I have to get ready for work..."

Zen softly calls your name, worried, but you choose to ignore him. After a much needed rest, you've managed to regain your senses and start rebuilding that wall of yours that collapsed just a while ago. You don't need this. You don't need Zen. You've managed to come this far by yourself. You can continue surviving on your own.

_[What a liar you are.]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is when the layout might become a bit confusing and perhaps a bit messy(?) in later chapters.  
> I'm sure you've already figured it out, but the italicized blockquotes are flashbacks.  
> The italicized words with square brackets that are aligned to the right are supposed to be the reader's conflicting thoughts. Something akin to a voice in their mind.  
> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	6. Chapter 6

> _You were beautiful; that was what Zen truly believed the longer he spent time with you. You were gorgeous, both inside and out. You supported him and his dream, offering encouragement whenever you could, whether or not the young man was looking for it. Your eyes would light up whenever Zen talked to you about his passion, and the aspiring actor realized that you were genuinely interested in what he had to say. You were genuinely interested in everything about him, and Zen found comfort in that. He felt like he actually belonged somewhere, and he doesn't know when exactly, but he eventually realized—_
> 
> _He loved you._
> 
> _He loved you with his entire being. He loved the way you would laugh at his jokes, even if they were a bit crude at times. He loved the way you always knew whenever he was upset and allowed him to lean on your shoulder for support. He loved the way you would offer a hand out for those in need, even if you didn't know them personally._
> 
> _You were giving. Hardworking. Perfect._
> 
> _...You weren't for him._
> 
> _There was no way it would work out, Zen thought. Both you and him lived in two whole different worlds._
> 
> _He was weak. You were strong._
> 
> _He was rude. You were kind._
> 
> _He was a drop-out. You were a top student._
> 
> _He was nothing. You were everything._
> 
> _But even so, Zen still loved you, and it hurt. He found it unbearably difficult, holding himself back whenever he was in your presence. The way your scent would hang in the air. He wanted to know how it would smell like when mixed together with his own scent. The way your lips would naturally curve into a smile whenever you saw him. He wanted to know how it would feel against his lips. The way your hands would hold his whenever he felt so alone. He wanted to know how they would feel around other parts of his body._
> 
> _"Oh, fuck," Zen groaned, biting his lower lip as he wrapped his fingers around his throbbing cock._
> 
> _He lay down on the bed, eyes fluttering as he tried to remember the feel of your skin brushing against his that afternoon. Just because he held back around you didn't mean he held back with his imaginations of you. If he didn't do this and release his sexual frustrations every now and then, he was afraid he'd lose his self-control around you and end up hurting and-slash-or scaring you away._
> 
> _"Nngh," Zen's chest heaved, back arching off his bed as his lazy strokes increased in speed._
> 
> _He allowed himself to close his eyes so that visions of you would fill his mind, hoping it would help with his desire for pleasure. You had opted to wear a skirt that afternoon, the summer heat unbearable for anything else. He had warned you to be careful because you never know what men would think or do, and you laughed at him._
> 
> _"I trust you to protect me, Hyun."_
> 
> _Zen moaned out loud as he dug his heels into the mattress, tightening his grip on his cock when he remembered the way his name sounded on your lips. "Yes... Oh god, yes..."_
> 
> _He would protect you from everything and everyone. Including himself._
> 
> _The young man continued to pump himself, desperate and so close. He furiously bucked his hips against his hands as he continued his recollection of his time spent with you earlier in the day. The two of you were walking on the sidewalk when a car had sped by, creating a wind to blow and make your skirt rise, revealing more of your thighs to the unsuspecting male._
> 
> _The memory of your small embarrassed yelp was enough to send Zen over the edge, head thrown back into a silent scream, spilling himself all over his fingers and stomach. Zen continued to lie down on his bed, his mind slowly clearing as he came back down from his high. He propped himself up on his elbows to inspect his dirtied state, letting out a small frustrated groan as he lay back down, the usual shame starting to creep in._
> 
> _He couldn't keep doing this; otherwise, he might go insane. Plus it wasn't fair to you, to be the subject of Zen's carnal desires without you knowing. The aspiring actor considered it disrespectful towards you as a human, because you were so much more than just something to be used for lust. No, Zen wanted something much more whole from you. With you._
> 
> _But he couldn't. At least, not with the way he was now._

Zen sighed heavily to himself as he watched you close the door to your room so that you could go change to head out to your job. The young man ran his hand through his hair, feet pacing across the living room. What now? What was he supposed to do now? He promised to himself that he would help you find the happiness that you wished for and deserved, but he had no idea how to go about it. For a second, he considered the possibility of helping you get into a relationship before he mentally slapped himself. You were _more_ than that. As if suddenly getting a boyfriend would suddenly make everything better.

Zen bit his lower lip at the thought of you being in a relationship. A long time ago, he held feelings for you, he couldn't deny that. But he refused to go after you due to his circumstances at the time. At that time, the young man didn't think he'd be the right match for you, deserving someone so much better, but he still wanted to try.

> _"You're really trying to improve yourself, huh?" you commented, leaning back slightly in the swing you were sitting on._
> 
> _Zen smiled, "I can't stay like this forever."_
> 
> _You let out a small hum of agreement before asking, "What brought it on?"_
> 
> _The young man remained quiet, his eyes locked on you. He wanted to say that it was you. You were part of the reason why he wanted to change himself into a better person, but he held his tongue. ...Not yet. He couldn't tell you yet._

In the end, Zen never did get a chance to tell you. He had the chance now though, but he didn't think it would be appropriate. In any case, that was all in the past. Ever since ' _that incident_ ', he was unable to face you and merely allowed himself to disappear from your life. It was a slow process, but he eventually managed to convince himself to move on. He buried away the feelings he had for you, instead choosing to direct that energy towards his pursuit to become a musical actor.

Those feelings should have been gone by now. Zen found himself falling in love with the new RFA member, or at least, that was what he thought. He still couldn't help but feel betrayed by her lack of support in his job, so when Zen bumped into you again, the one person who helped him first to get to where he was now, he felt conflicted. He was a better person now, so he thought it would be okay for him to pursue being in a relationship with you. But did he still love you? Was it even love in the first place, or did he just find comfort in your validation to him? Would you even be interested in him?

"How long do you plan on staying here?" your voice broke Zen out of his thoughts, and he looked up, cheeks immediately flushing at the provocative dress you wore.

"I-I, uh..." the young man stumbled with his words, not knowing where he should look and instead opted to stare at the wall. He heard you slowly approach him, and when you were close enough for him to feel the warmth from your body, he gulped.

"Hyun," you call his name, your voice coming out gentle. It's the one that Zen remembers from the past. The actor feels you place a hand on his cheek, guiding his face to look at you. His breath catches in his throat when you lean forward to place a short and chaste kiss on his lips. "I don't think you should visit me or Masquerade ever again. You have your own image to look after. Please, I don't want to drag your name down to dirt."

...When did the two of you switch positions in standing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a slight mistake in a previous chapter where Zen was referred to as 'Zen' when it should have been 'Hyun' in the flashback, whoops.  
> Anyways, here's some small sexual content and sorta explaining what Zen thought of his relationship with reader in the past and why he's so insistent on helping her despite how much of a stranger she's become to him.  
> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	7. Chapter 7

Your words root Zen to his spot, unable to tear his eyes away from yours. You're a walking contradiction, he realizes. While you try to push him away, your eyes try to pull him forward towards you. Even though your words are sharp and sting, the lips that they passed through—the lips that he once dreamed of kissing over and over again—were so gentle and bittersweet against his own. Zen understands that it was nothing more than to be a parting kiss, but he can't help but feel like the both of you wanted it to be something _more_.

But you're right. Zen is already being scrutinized by the media for Echo Girl's false allegations. If the actor was found hanging around and getting friendly with a prostitute or clubs like Masquerade, it will only make things worse for him as an actor trying to make it to the top. He knows and understands that you're merely looking out for him and his career, but that's exactly why he can't just leave you when even now all you do is put him above yourself. He can't leave you when there were still so many questions and worries he had for you.

"I'll be fine," you speak up when you sense Zen's hesitation. "I've been fine for a long time now, and I can continue taking care of myself."

_[Stop lying.]_

You discreetly pinch your arm to bury away that annoying voice that never seemed to leave you, and you continue talking, "Hyun, look at me. I'm taking care of myself. I've been taking care of myself long before you met me again in Masquerade."

_[Did you forget breaking down in front of him just a few hours ago?]_

"So if the reason why you're hesitating is because you think you need to keep me safe, then just stop," you realize that you're basically rambling by now, but the words just continue to spill out of you. All the while, Zen listens to you silently.

_[Yes, you should just stop talking overall lest you say the wrong thing.]_

"I'm not some princess, and you're not my knight," you give in to your thoughts and finally shut up after you've said your piece, and Zen visibly flinches at that last sentence. Even though your tone was even and firm, those words stab Zen's heart like a poisoned knife.

> _"Are you okay?" Zen asked frantically, as he protectively wrapped his arms around your frame, effectively shielding you away from the dangerous world around you. He looked down at you, eyebrows stitched together when he saw and felt you trembling in his arms, and he instinctively went to stroke your hair, whispering words of comfort and reassurance in your ears. It helped calm you down, along with his familiar scent of smoke and beer, and you let out a shaky breath._
> 
> _Once Zen saw that you were alright, he looked back up towards where the man who just tried to hurt you previously stood but found the space to be empty. Zen growled, his arms tightening their hold around your figure from frustration. "Fucking bastard ran away..." the young man muttered to himself before realizing that he was most probably crushing you with his grip and reluctantly let go._
> 
> _"Are you okay?" the aspiring actor repeated his question, his eyes softening as he stroked your cheek, and you nodded._
> 
> _"Yeah, I'm fine. ...Thank you for saving me," you sighed as you leaned closer to his touch, allowing your eyes to close so that you could better appreciate the young man's warmth._
> 
> _"Anything for you, my princess," Zen smiles at you, prompting you to hum in response._
> 
> _"My knight in shining armour..."_

A chime from Zen's phone is enough to break the tense and heavy atmosphere between you two. Your eyes manage to catch sight of the person's profile picture, a female, and that's all it takes to remind you of your current situation. You take a step back from Zen, putting distance between you two yet again as you can't help but snidely ask, "Who's that? Your girlfriend?"

"I...don't know, actually," he answers hesitantly, confusion evident in his voice.

You raise an eyebrow at his response, "You don't know? What do you—" you stop yourself. No, there was no need for you to continue with that question. "...Well, it's not like it's my business. In any case, I should get going, and you should too."

"No, wait—"

You take another step back when Zen steps closer towards you. You close off your heart and mentally steel yourself. "Goodbye, Hyun. Please don't try to contact me, unless you want your reputation to be ruined."

> _"Do you have a boyfriend?"_
> 
> _You had nearly spit out your drink at the sudden random question, and you turned your head to look at the white-haired male with a deep blush settled on your cheeks. "Wh-Where did that come from?!" you squeaked._
> 
> _Zen shrugged his shoulders, an amused smile playing on his lips from your reaction. "Just curious."_
> 
> _For some reason, you felt ashamed at your answer and turned your attention back to your drink as you mumbled, "No, I don't..."_
> 
> _Zen had to stop himself from breathing out a sigh of relief and continued, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" You shook your head which prompted the young man to ask, "What kind of boyfriend would you like?"_
> 
> _"What's with the sudden interrogation on my love life?" you answered his question with one of your own._
> 
> _"Just curious," came the usual response, and your lips marred into a frown._
> 
> _"You're always curious about me," you said. "I'm curious about you. I want to know more about you."_
> 
> _Zen immediately shook his head, not liking where this conversation was going and flashed a wry smile, "You don't want to know about me."_
> 
> _"I do."_
> 
> _"There's not much to know," Zen retorts._
> 
> _"I don't believe that," you answer firmly, your eyes locking with his own, staring at him with so much conviction that Zen felt shivers run down his spine, something that rarely ever happened to the male. He opens his mouth to speak, his own stance wavering the slightest bit before you let out a small shriek at the time._
> 
> _"I'm sorry, I have to go!" you apologized profusely, hastily gathering your belongings. "I'll see you later!"_

It's been a few weeks now, and you haven't seen nor heard from Zen since he last popped in for a surprise visit. You had thoroughly chewed out your co-worker who gave Zen your address afterwards, and she had answered saying that it looked like he knew you and seemed sweet which was why she trusted him with the information. Of course, she wasn't wrong, but _still_.

It's been a long day and rough couple of past nights, having your own fair share of troublesome clients at Masquerade. You decided to indulge yourself just this once and buy a small treat at a nearby cafe. Just as soon as you retrieved your order, from the corner of your eye, you spotted a young woman who seemed to be struggling with trying to balance between holding several documents in her hand along with her cup of coffee. For a brief moment, you see your past self in her sleep-deprived and overworked eyes. Before you knew it, you had already started walking up to her.

"Would you like some help?" you offered, and the young woman gave an appreciative smile in return.

"If it's not a bother..."

You smile warmly at her and go to help, "None at all."

Once the woman is able to organize herself, she stands upright and gives you her gratitude. Seeing as you were done here, you turn to leave but freeze in your spot when you hear a familiar voice reach your ears.

"Oh, Jaehee!"

The woman you were just helping instinctively looks up after hearing her name be called, and she lets out a small exclamation of surprise. "Zen! What are you doing here?"

Familiar white hair and red eyes come into your vision as the actor lightly jogs up to the lady beside you. Zen sees you, and his expression changes to slight surprise, lips parting to speak, signalling that it was time for you to take your leave, not wanting to cause a scene. You duck your head and flee the cafe as fast as you can. Even though you were the one who said that the two of you shouldn't be involved with each other, you couldn't help but miss the male.

_[You have no right to be so selfish with him.]_

The voice is right, and you clench your eyes shut. This was what you decided, and you needed to stick with it. You can't ask for Zen's comfort and company. He was a much better person than he was before, and you didn't want to drag him down to this living hell. An angel like Zen had no time for you, you tried to convince yourself.

* * *

You're idly browsing through your phone in the quiet loneliness of your home when the device starts to ring and vibrate to life. Caught completely off guard, you end up dropping your phone from surprise, having it land on the floor with a dull thud. Cursing slightly to yourself, you bend down to retrieve the device and find that it accidentally accepted the call before you could check the caller ID.

"Hello?" you ask tentatively.

There's a pause from the other side of the line, and you're just about to hang up until a voice suddenly speaks, "Hey. It's me."

"Hyun," you breathe out, finding the wind to be knocked out of you. "How did you get my number?"

"I, um...have a friend," the actor answers vaguely, and you can't help but wonder if the young man still kept dangerous friends around him like back then. There was no way Zen could have been able to get your phone number that easily and so quickly. "Anyways," Zen continues to speak. "I was wondering if maybe we could hang out tomorrow?"

Your eyes harden at the question, "I thought I told you—"

"Please?" Zen begs, and you find it difficult to ignore him. "I...I'd really like some company."

You don't miss how vulnerable he sounds, and you think that whatever scandal he's gotten himself into is really starting to wear him down again. "Didn't you say you have a friend? Just hang out with—"

"I want you," Zen interrupts you again, but you're too busy focusing on what he just said to bother getting angry at him. Having been met with silence from you, Zen lets out a small gasp, almost as though he just realized he made a mistake, and cleared his throat. "I-I mean, I want to hang out with _you_ ," he corrects himself. "I feel like spending time with you. Just like the good old days. But if you don't want to, then..."

The young man trails off, waiting for your response, and a shaky breath escapes your lips. You feel something trail down your cheeks, and when you lift up your free hand to wipe it, you realize that you're crying. The tears continue to silently fall down, and you can taste the saltiness of them from the corner of your lips as you stare blankly ahead, your vision blurred. "Can we...?" you force your throat to work, your words coming out as quiet whispers that you weren't even sure if Zen could hear you. "Just...even if it's only pretend, if the two of us could hang out together without a care in the world like we did back then, then maybe—"

Zen hears you choke on a sob, and his heart tugs at the sound. "My angel..."

Hearing him call you that familiar nickname is enough to have you breaking down again, your cries coming out unrestrained. All the while, Zen stays on the line, whispering sweet and comforting words in an effort to make you stop crying, but it just seemed like he was making it worse. The actor furrows his brows, jaw clenching as he tightly closes his eyes. He can hear the absolute despair in your voice, and it's affecting him too.

Zen has to momentarily pull the phone away from his face so that he could let out a small sob too. He doesn't want you to hear him. Doesn't want you to be troubled with him. The actor wipes the tears at his cheeks and brings his phone back to his ear. By that time, it seems as though you've calmed down enough, your voice only coming out in small hiccups.

"Do..." you pause for a moment to let out a few more remaining hiccups. "Do you remember where we first met? The bridge?"

The actor smiles fondly at the memory, "Yeah." There was no way he could ever forget.

"...We can meet there tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	8. Chapter 8

To say that Zen felt nervous would be a _huge_ understatement. The actor arrived at the bridge much too early and was now pacing every now and then, constantly checking his phone for the time or to see if you had tried to contact him. He ran his fingers through his hair once. Twice. Thrice, before resuming his pacing.

It's not a date, he has to remind himself. It was just supposed to be two old friends meeting up and just spending time together, even if their circumstances were a bit difficult at the moment. But either way, Zen couldn't help but try to put a little more effort than usual into his appearance. Of course, he knew that he was always naturally beautiful, but it didn't hurt to go above and beyond for you. But then again, it's not a date—

Zen's eyes widen when he sees you in the distance, walking to him. No matter what, Zen could always easily pick your face out from the crowd as it was an image he tried to burn into his mind when he was younger. The young man straightened himself up the closer you got, and he couldn't help but stare. You opted to wear a much more modest outfit, complimenting your figure without attracting too much attention to yourself. It was a stark contrast from the usual provocative dresses the actor's seen you wear the last few times he's come to see you, and for a second, he feels like he's gone back in time.

> _"How do I look?" you asked, giving a small twirl so that the white-haired male could inspect your appearance from every angle, and it takes every ounce of his self-control to not pull you against him with the urge to keep you all to himself._

Zen reaches out a hand to hold yours once you're close enough. He gently lifts it, and places a soft kiss on your knuckles, your eyes watching him slightly abashed all the while. "You look beautiful," he gives you the same compliment as he did multiple times in the past, but you never did quite believe them, even now.

You offer a wry smile, "I'm sure you say that to all the ladies."

You try to slip your hand away, not quite used to holding somebody's comforting hand like this for a long while, but Zen tightens his grip around you and doesn't let go. When you go to look at him curiously, he only flashes a small smile as he answers, "Weren't we going to spend this day together just like old times?"

Your lips press themselves together into a firm line as you consider his words. It's true that back then, the two of you would often walk along the streets, hand-in-hand, and it always did send your heart aflutter. ...It still did, you realize, and you bow your head to hide your face. "...Fine."

You're much more docile after your previous meltdowns around the actor, it seems, so Zen slowly interlaces his fingers with yours and starts to guide you around the streets. Zen makes sure to adjust his strides to match with yours, not walking too fast nor too slow and falls in step beside you. He tries to make light conversation to keep the awkwardness at bay. From your previous encounters, the young man tries to avoid any talk about the past, fearing that it might accidentally set you off.

"Do you want to try some fish-shaped bread?" Zen asks you curiously when he spots a vendor from afar. "They're really good!"

You've never tried the treat before, but when you see how the actor's eyes light up, you decide to give it a try. "Okay," you offer a small nod.

Zen beams at you, squeezing your hand a slight bit before taking you along to the vendor to order. Zen gives you a piece, and you stare at it with childish wonder. "It's cute..." you comment quietly, almost feeling bad for having to take a bite off of it. Zen watches you with bated breath as you take a bite, smiling softly to himself when he sees your eyes light up. "It's delicious!"

"Right?" Zen nods in agreement before eating his share as well.

The atmosphere seems to have lightened up between you two after that, and Zen can't help but steal glances at your easy smile as you unknowingly lean closer towards him. Eventually, the two of you reach a secluded park and decide to rest there for a moment. You both go to sit on a bench and just stare straight ahead in comfortable silence. From the corner of your eyes, you see Zen shift a bit, and you could feel his warmth much closer to you now.

You allow your eyelids to close themselves shut in peace, appreciating the gentle breeze that blows by every now and then. It almost feels surreal how light you feel, and you know that it's all because of the male sitting beside you. He's always had that effect on you, you admit to yourself, even after all this time.

You should be feeling tired and heavy after all those nights of working at Masquerade and just mentally struggling to get by, but it feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when you take in Zen's presence beside you. Almost as though he was helping you carry some of your burden, and you start to feel guilty. Zen was precious, and you didn't want to take advantage of that kindness. You didn't want to trouble him with your worries.

Your brows slowly stitch together as these thoughts start to take over, and Zen immediately senses the change of your state. He then goes to speak to hopefully distract you enough, "You know... there's this role I really want to try for."

"Hm?" You open your eyes to glance at the young man, quietly urging him to continue.

Zen smiles at you, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes, and you have to stop yourself from reaching out to stroke his cheek to comfort him. He continues, "I feel like the character really speaks to me, and I _know_ that I can pull it off, but I don't know if I should go for it..."

"Why not?" you wonder, not once breaking eye contact with him.

"I highly doubt the theatre would want to cast me while I still have that huge scandal over my head."

You were having absolutely none of that, and you responded to him firmly, "That doesn't mean you still can't try for it. As long as you can perform well, I think they would hire you. You're more than just a pretty face, Hyun; you work hard, and hell, you've even managed to turn your life around."

Zen stares at you wide-eyed when you take a moment to catch your breath. "You think I have a pretty face?"

You roll your eyes and lightly smack the actor's arm, "Yes, of course, but that's not the point. My point is that, if it's you, I'm _sure_ you can do it."

"You really think so...?"

"I _know_ so," you answer him with absolute confidence that leaves no room for any sort of doubt.

Zen could only stare you in silence. He sees the way you smile at him encouragingly, unrestrained, just like in the past. The young man can see in your eyes that you have complete faith in him and his abilities, something he's never quite fully received from others asides from you. Zen can't help it; he's so overcome with emotion that he doesn't even bother to think as he takes your face in his hands and pulls you towards him, closing his eyes and crashing his lips against yours.

Your eyes in turn widen, too surprised to even make a sound. Zen's eyes slowly flutter open after a few seconds, and that's when he realizes. He immediately lets go of you, pulling his lips away with a gasp as he turns away. " _Shit_ ," he curses under his breath before bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. "I-I'm sorry!" his apology comes out muffled, and he closes his eyes tight, ashamed. "I don't know what I was thinking! I'm so sorry!"

You could only stare at him in stupor as you bring your fingers up to touch your lips, his warmth and electric feeling still lingering on them. You unknowingly run your tongue across your lips, finding that you quite like his taste. Zen can feel you staring at him, and he tries to turn away even more from shame for acting so impulsively, but his eyes shoot open when your dainty hand takes hold of his and gently but firmly pries it away from his face.

Zen turns back to look at you, curious, and his breath catches in his throat when he sees you lean closer to him, but he doesn't back away and just stares at you expectantly. A part of you is screaming at you to stop, knowing that there's probably no going back once you do this, but you don't care. Once you've had a taste of the actor before you, you knew that whatever restraints you tried to put up for yourself came crashing down, the temptation far too sweet.

You wanted _more_.

You wanted _him_.

You kissed him, and he kissed you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	9. Chapter 9

As you expected, that one kiss has led to something so much more with Zen, but you weren't complaining, and neither was he. You're not sure when or how, but both you and Zen found yourselves back in your apartment soon afterwards with the actor pressing himself against you to the door by the hips as he continued to attack your lips with feverish kisses. You taste so good against him, and he's desperate for more as he nibbles on your lower lip which you're more than happy to part for him. 

His tongue immediately darts inside your mouth and engages in a dance with your own wet muscle, twisting and pushing. You give in first, moaning deeply into the kiss as Zen expertly caresses and strokes the inside of your mouth. That sound you give sends shivers running down his spine, and he can't help but want to hear more, so he continues to explore your cavern, trying to pull those sweet moans out of you, drinking them in.

It's getting difficult for you to breathe, but Zen doesn't seem to be relenting any time soon, so you lift up a hand to reach behind him and pull on his hair, eliciting a small growl from him as he involuntarily rolled his hips against yours, prompting you to gasp from delighted surprise.

"Sorry," Zen murmurs against your lips, and neither of you are exactly sure what he's apologizing for.

"Same here," you find yourself responding before Zen's hands grab hold onto your hips and starts grinding himself against you. The actor leans his head down to rest his forehead against yours, your hot breaths mixing together as you grind back with just as much enthusiasm, holding onto his broad shoulders for support. The friction between your clothed sex and Zen's feels amazing, and you're unable to stop your moans from spilling out of your mouth. "H-Hyun..."

You want to say something, about how the two of you really shouldn't be doing this, but the pleasant heat prevented you from doing so. Zen offers small and pleasurable grunts while he continues to dry hump you, desperate for something more but afraid of the consequences that might come from it if he acts even more upon his desire. This was enough for him. ...No, it was more than enough, actually. It was so much more than what he ever dreamed of having with you.

You can tell that Zen was struggling, what with the way he furrowed his brows and bit his lips, and you felt the need to help him. You momentarily paused with your grinding, causing Zen to whine in protest as he pushed himself closer against you and picked up his pace to make up for your part. "Hyun, wait," you lightly pushed against him. He reluctantly stopped, his hand going to palm himself, thinking that you didn't want to do this anymore and willing to give you that but still needed to find some release.

You lick your lips at the idea of watching Zen stroke himself, but that wasn't your intention. You maneuver both you and Zen around so that it was the male who had his back against the door this time. He glances down at you curiously with half-lidded eyes, his skin perfectly flushed as his chest rose and fell with deep and heavy breaths.

You lean forward and kiss the actor, slow and gentle, completely different from the previous desperate and passionate lip-lock. You let out a small sigh as you pull away, placing your hands atop the young man's heaving chest. You allow your hands to trail down his body as you slowly drop down to your knees.

You're not too sure what you're doing—no, you know _exactly_ what you're doing, but you're not sure _why_. Zen was an actor that needed to keep his image; you shouldn't dirty it like this, but you want this, and by the way he touches you, you know that he wants this too. Whatever ' _this_ ' is supposed to be. It should be fine, right? It's okay for you to be selfish just this once, right?

Zen's lower lip gets caught underneath his teeth, unable to deny just how arousing it is for him to see you on your knees in front of him like that, eyeing his bulge with interest. Your eyes glance up at him and makes contact with his red ones, and Zen could feel himself flush deeper at the intimacy of the simple action. You don't waste any time and get right to work, hands quickly unbuckling his belt and bringing his jeans down. Zen notes the way your motions are confident and sure, and considering your occupation, he figures you've had quite a few experiences doing this with other men before. Zen doesn't know how he feels about that, and he isn't sure if he wants to pursue that train of thought lest it ruin the mood.

As soon as Zen's jeans are off, you take note of the wet spot on his underwear, and you can't help but feel a certain sense of pride that you were the one responsible for that. You hook your fingers underneath the band of his underwear and tug them down, finally freeing the actor's cock from the confines. Zen shivers slightly from the sudden cold air before a gasp escapes him when he feels your lips kiss the head of his sex.

You laugh softly to yourself as you trail butterfly kisses across and around his length and girth, stroking the underside with your finger. "Angel..." Zen groans, his voice strained as his breaths come out much more heady. " _Please_..." You find amusement in the irony of having him call you by that nickname when you were doing something so...dirty, yet enticing. Well, no, maybe "angel" would be a fitting nickname as you would help make Zen feel like he was in heaven.

You finally wrap your lips around the head of Zen's cock and take him inside your mouth. " _Ohhh_ ," Zen moans loudly, his head tilting back to rest against the door behind him as he revels in your warmth. "Oh, god..."

You decide to get used to him first, going slowly as you bob your head up and down. Zen sighs and groans at the sensation and places a hand behind your head, but he doesn't do anything with it and just allows it to rest there. Once you're comfortable enough, you decide to increase your pace and suck him furiously. Zen cries out from the sudden change, and he struggles with himself to not just fuck himself with your mouth right then and there, his hand alternating between gripping your hair and letting go.

"Shit, you're so good at this," Zen comments, eyes fluttering close as he basks in the warmth and wetness of your mouth. " _Aagh_ , fuck— Yeah...just like that, angel... So— _nngh_ — _sooo good_..."

Zen's compliments make you dizzy, and you slip your hand underneath the band of your panties and start stroking yourself as you continue to pleasure Zen with your mouth. He tastes _so delicious_ with the way your tongue strokes along his length, you can't help but try to hollow your cheeks for him. You moan around the actor's throbbing cock, the vibration making whatever remaining self-control he had snap.

" _No_ —oh god, oh god, _oh god_ — _fuck_ , I'm sorry," you hear Zen offer a strained apology before he grabs your head and starts thrusting into your mouth, causing you to choke slightly from surprise. It only seems to spur Zen on as he increases his pace, bending forward as moans spill out of his lips. Experience has you instinctively relax your mouth as you let Zen do whatever he wants with you which gives you the opportunity to focus more on pumping your fingers in and out of your cunt and rub against your clit, trying to match the pacing of Zen's thrusts inside your mouth.

You desperately moan against Zen's cock as you feel yourself get closer to your own release. Zen's legs tremble slightly as you can feel him edge closer and closer as well, his thrusts erratic as his bare ass slams against the door behind him before driving himself into your mouth. The actor gives one guttural groan before forcefully pulling himself out. The force and abruptness makes your teeth lightly graze against Zen's cock as it leaves your mouth, sending him over the edge. He bumps his head against the door as he dips his head back, jaw slack as he moans the loudest he's ever had. You instinctively close your eyes as Zen spills all over you, and with a few more pumps of your fingers, you bring yourself to cum as well.

Zen leans back against the door for support with shaky legs and gingerly rubs the back of his head. He looks down at you and groans at the sight of your face splattered with his cum, and he can feel himself getting hard again. The young man wanted to be considerate and not cum inside your mouth, but he can't tell if this outcome was any better. "Sorry," he apologizes once more with a hoarse voice as you go to quietly clean yourself up.

The two of you remain silent, each of you trying to catch your breaths as you try to process what just happened. A chime sounds from Zen's phone inside the pocket of his discarded jeans, and you crawl over to them to retrieve the device. The actor graciously accepts it and glances at the screen while you continue to wipe yourself off. Zen sees the familiar profile picture and name of the RFA's newest member, and he feels guilt rise in his chest. The party coordinator and Zen weren't exactly "together" per se, but the two did have a certain kind of connection that makes Zen feel like he did something wrong and betrayed her trust.

The young man curses under his breath, but you catch it and look up at him. You see the inner turmoil in his eyes, and while it does pain you, you force yourself to speak, "If you want...we can pretend that this never happened between us. You can even cut me out of your life and pretend that I don't exist if you want..."

Zen takes his attention away from his phone and back to you. He recalls the moment how this situation all started. You were encouraging him to try out for that one role, telling him that you believed in him. You had faith in him and his career unlike the other woman who wanted him to just quit already and focus on her instead, and suddenly, Zen doesn't feel so guilty anymore. 

After all, why should he feel guilty towards a woman who wouldn't support his dream and passion while you cheered him on asking for nothing in return? Why should he feel guilty towards a woman he wasn't even in a relationship with but only what could be seen as a budding romance that he no longer felt the same for? Why should he feel guilty for finding pleasure with the person he truly loved?

"Ah..." Zen makes a small sound at his own realization before looking back at you and shaking his head. "I won't do that. I won't pretend that what we just did didn't happen, and I'm not cutting you out of my life either."

"...Why not?" you find yourself asking.

The young man merely shoots you a cryptic smile, refusing to answer your question. He can't tell you now; the mood just wasn't right and considering the circumstances, it would be inappropriate if he were to tell you his reason now. Instead, he gently takes you by the hand and silently helps you up to your feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, I'm actually curious as to what you guys think of Zen's current relationship/thoughts towards both MC and reader. Do you think the way he feels towards the both of them seems too unrealistic, for a lack of a better word? Like it's progressing a bit too quickly? I tried to set things up properly with the previous chapters, but still. This fic is a bit different from your typical Zen fics, so I want to make sure that Zen's characterization here is well-rounded and not too...OOC?  
> There's actually going to be more to the plot once Zen and reader slowly start to establish their relationship together, so I don't want to drag this part of their relationship on for _too_ long, but at the same time, I don't want to rush through it.


	10. Chapter 10

Ever since your..."get-together" with Zen, the two of you have fallen into a sort of comfortable peace with each other. You both didn't really make an effort to see each other as much as you can, but rather, it was more like sending a few occasional texts and calls just to see how the other was doing. It felt nice and easy-going, something different from the usual bustling of the night life you worked in, and you actually found yourself looking forward to Zen's text messages.

_"Good morning angel! I hope you have a good day today!"_

_"Ugh, why do cars have to be so loud at night? I can't get my beauty sleep like this! ;;"_

_"Do you have any store recommendations for some good beer?"_

Those were just some of the usual light-hearted texts Zen sent, and you somehow ended up following the same tone as his with your own respective texts. You didn't even realize just how friendly they were until probably the third time you've re-read them.

_"I saw a really cute dog today. Reminded me of you, haha!"_

_"Try singing yourself to sleep!"_

_"I do, but you should take better care of your health. ;;"_

Zen too also found himself enjoying the small exchanges with you. After what happened, he was afraid that you would start pushing him away again, perhaps ashamed for participating in something so _intimate_ without so much of a second thought, and he was relieved to know that that wasn't the case. On the contrary, you were much more accepting and welcoming towards him and his friendly advances in getting you to open up to him, and he wanted to make sure it stayed that way.

The actor did feel a bit embarrassed on what happened though; it was impulsive and more spur of the moment than anything else, and he was afraid that you might have gotten the wrong message from him. He didn't want you to think that he only kissed you and allowed it to continue further just out of pure lust. No, his emotions ran deeper than that, and he hoped you wouldn't take what happened the wrong way. He has a rough idea of how you think. If Zen were to tell you now that he loved you, he was certain that you wouldn't believe him. After all, you preferred believing actions over words, and that was what Zen planned to do. He would show you how much he still very much cared for you, no matter how long it might take.

* * *

"Hey, Haejung!" the young man waved in greeting towards the gruff-looking male who approached him. Even if he did look rough around the edges, Zen knew that he had a very big heart which was one of the reasons why the actor decided to keep in touch with him even after all these years.

Haejung grinned, patting the young man's shoulder, "Well now, I haven't seen you in a while!"

"I've been busy," Zen replies, finding himself naturally relaxing around his old friend. "Sorry for pulling you away from your work so suddenly."

"It's fine, it's fine!" Haejung gave a boisterous laugh as he waved his hand in a dismissive manner, gesturing for Zen not to worry too much about it. "What about you though? I heard about what happened, and I don't believe those media accusations in the slightest!"

The actor offered an appreciative smile, "I'm fine. ...Actually, do you remember [Name]?"

Haejung leaned back, crossing his arms thoughtfully over his chest, "Ahhh, how could I ever forget the girl you were completely head over heels for?"

Zen choked and sputtered, "I-I was not—!" but stopped when he saw Haejung shoot him a look as though asking if he was seriously going to finish that unconvincing lie. Zen sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he directed his gaze to the ground. "...Was it really that obvious?"

The other male snorted in response, " _Boy_ , you were practically her guard dog with the way you watched over her to make sure she was safe. She had you on a __leash__. If she said 'sit', you would. If she said 'bark', you would." Zen felt his cheeks warm up, finding himself unable to deny any of Haejung's remarks, and he continued, "A lot of the guys were actually jealous. Not only did you have a pretty face, but then you found yourself a girl to love and care for with all your heart. It was almost sickening, actually, how lovey-dovey you were with her."

Zen groaned as he scratched at his head at the memories, his face flushing a deeper shade of red, "Okay, okay—"

But Haejung wasn't stopping any time soon, "What was it again? Oh yeah! ' _No, you guys don't understand! She's like the brilliant summer sun, her eyes, precious jewels ablaze that scorch my very soul_ '—"

"Aaagh!" Zen practically pounced on the male, covering his mouth with a hand. "I get it already! No need to bring that up!"

Haejung nodded, a very amused glint in his eyes, and the actor finally pulled his hand away. Just a few seconds later, the male continued, "...' _The morning dew to quench my thirst for love_ '—" Zen groaned once more, this time covering his ears and crouching to the ground in protest at Haejung's continued teasing. The gruff-looking male laughed heartily before finally deciding to stop and to move the conversation along. "So, why are you bringing her up again?"

Now that the conversation's finally moved back to his initial intention, Zen straightened himself back up, "I've actually met up with her again recently."

Haejung hums, interested, "And?"

"I, um..." Zen sighs heavily. "...Thank you for keeping your promise."

> _The rain felt heavy as they fell atop the aspiring actor's tired form as he leaned on the railing of an all to personally special bridge, his leather jacket drenched and hair sticking to his skin. His dull eyes, once full of life, stared blankly ahead, seemingly lost in thoughts as he fiddled with the skull necklace that felt cold against his skin. Zen heard footsteps approach him, but he didn't bother looking up. He didn't have the strength to._
> 
> _"How is she?" Haejung's voice reached the young man's ears, and though it wasn't specified who Haejung was talking about, Zen knew perfectly well who the person in question was. After all, there was only one person that Zen cared for enough to be brought to this almost broken state._
> 
> _"Fine," the aspiring actor croaked out, still refusing to take his eyes away from staring into the distance. "She looked fine."_
> 
> _Haejung furrowed his eyebrows, "'Looked'?"_
> 
> _"She was asleep when I came to visit. The doctors said she'll be fine, and I...didn't want to stay for too long, so I left soon afterwards," Zen explained, his voice sounding so weary and defeated. He closed his eyes, but when he did, he was reminded of the state you were in, so he forced himself to open his eyes once more to chase away the image. But even then, he was only met with the harsh reality of the situation._
> 
> _"It's not your fault—"_
> 
> _Zen growled at his friend's words and angrily kicked the railing with his feet so hard that it actually shook. Pain immediately shot through his leg at the action, but it could only be felt as a dull throbbing compared to the way his heart was being torn apart inside. "How the fuck is it not my fault?! If I had only just kept my distance from her—if I had only not pushed my way into her life, then this wouldn't have happened!!"_
> 
> _"You loved her," Haejung answered simply, unfazed by the young man's outburst and instead only felt pity._
> 
> _The aspiring actor clenched his jaw, his hands balling into fists so tight that his nails started to dig into his skin. "I did... I do... which is why I should have stayed away."_
> 
> _"Hyun..."_
> 
> _"Haejung, promise me," Zen spoke, his voice shaking. "Promise me that you won't tell her where I am if she comes to you asking for me and that you'll look after her."_
> 
> _"You're just going to leave her?" Haejung asked in disbelief, not believing what was coming out of Zen's mouth._
> 
> _" **Promise. Me.** "_

"...She came to me many times afterwards, always asking if I knew where you were," Haejung sighs, his eyes growing distant as he recalled the past. "Pretty stubborn, but eventually gave up after realizing I was doing it for you."

"I'm sorry..." Zen hung his head low as he could only imagine how it must have been like.

Haejung's gaze hardened, "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

"...I know."

* * *

You were humming idly to yourself as you cleaned up around your house with nothing else to do when you heard your phone ring with the special ringtone you set for Zen's contact specifically. You dropped whatever it was you were doing and hastily picked it up; he hasn't contacted you in a while after saying he was busy waiting for the theatre to contact him if he got the role or not. As much as you didn't want to admit it, you missed his voice.

"Hello?" you answered the call after taking a deep breath.

"Hey!" Zen's enthusiastic voice greeted you in return. You could practically hear him bouncing on his spot, excitement in his voice. "Guess what?"

Judging by how he sounded, you already had a good idea of what it was. Nevertheless, you laughed lightly and asked, "What is it?"

"I got the role!" Zen beamed; you could imagine the large smile on his face, and your expression softened. You were so happy for him, or maybe it was just his own joy that was infectious.

"Congrats! I knew you could do it!" you responded with as much enthusiasm, and you heard Zen offer a bashful laugh followed by the sound of him shifting around.

Zen offered you a word of thanks before asking, "Do you want to hang out this evening to celebrate?"

You faltered for a second, your tone apologetic, "Oh, I'm sorry Hyun, but I have work..."

"That's fine!" the actor answered, but you could still hear the lingering disappointment, especially in that pause he took to answer. "Maybe next time?"

"Yeah, next time for sure..." That's what you said, but you weren't sure if you could actually keep true to your word. Your occupation made things...difficult, you realized. You were so engrossed in your fun interactions with Zen that you almost completely forgot the reason why you never tried to engage yourself with others in the first place. It was just impossible. At some point, they would realize that trying to maintain a friendship or anything more with you would require far more work and patience than others, and they would only leave in the end.

_Zen would only leave in the end..._

The two of you then became quiet after that. The silence was awkward and tense, and a part of you wanted to end the conversation there, but you didn't want to end it on such a low note. Just then, you heard Zen take a deep breath.

"Say, for your work..." he started slowly, struggling to find the proper way to phrase his question, "Do you...y'know...?"

You knew exactly what the actor was trying to ask. "Have sex with the clients?" you finished for him, not stumbling with your words in the slightest, whereas you could have sworn you heard him choke a bit. "If they have the money, yes."

"Do you...enjoy...it?" Zen asked you unexpectedly.

Your eyes narrowed slightly, and you refused to answer, "...Why are you asking?"

"It seems like you don't."

You take a sharp intake of breath at his words, and from the other side of the phone, Zen is able to figure out from the sound that he messed up. However, before he could go and correct himself, you spoke, your tone hard. "I have to go."

You hung up promptly after that, putting your phone away before burying your face into your hands. How could Zen even ask you such a thing? Of course you wouldn't enjoy it! Having to give your body to people you don't feel anything for. Having them touch you or have their way with you, treating you nothing more than as a toy for their own sick pleasure. It wasn't like you _asked_ for this. To have to put on so many different masks and facades just to please the other person. To bury away whatever you were feeling just to get by in the day because _you had no choice_.

You were frustrated at Zen and how insensitive his words were, but if he was still anything like the person he used to be—and you're _sure_ that he is, especially after considering everything that's happened so far—you knew that he only asked because he cared. It might have been awkward and a bit rough, but then again, the topic at hand wasn't really something that would come up often in a conversation. Even so, Zen still tried to make an effort, and you instinctively answered him harshly based on personal experiences.

A heavy weight pressed against your shoulders as you willed yourself to get ready for work. Maybe... Maybe Zen might still give you a chance to explain yourself for your unintentional aggressiveness. You held onto that small hope budding in your chest that Zen would be willing to listen to you. It was terrifying—hope was something you thought you've given up on, but Zen made you want to believe. To dream. To cherish. Everything you thought you abandoned, he offered them all back to you, gentle and patient.

You definitely seemed different at work. Though you seemed distracted, there was no denying a certain glow from you. While your coworkers were happy to see you all warm and much more cheerful from your usual demeanor, it was something dangerous that might attract the 'wrong' kind of customers and clients to you. Like moths to a flame. ...This man, Iseul, was exactly one of those people, but you were unaware.

Iseul was handsome, you admitted. He wasn't as handsome as Zen, but he was still very much handsome and charming. He seemed to like flirty and touchy women, so you gave him that in an effort to make him happy. You played with his hair; they were soft to the touch, but it didn't shine the same way as Zen's silvery locks did. Iseul's eyes were a piercing icy blue, whereas Zen's crimson ones looked at you with warmth.

"Darling," the man cooed as he dipped his head down and placed his lips on your neck. "What are you thinking about?"

Ah, you got caught silently comparing him to the actor. You hummed softly, playing along to his advances, "I'm thinking about how lucky I am to have met a very handsome man..."

Iseul pulled away from your neck and cupped your chin, forcing you to look up at him, "I do hope you're talking about me." You don't answer him and only smile coyly. He seems to like that, and he continues, "How about I take you to my place tonight? Don't worry, I can pay well."

You know that he can, especially with the way he flaunted his wealth, buying the most expensive drinks there were, and quite several of them too. His suit was also a dead giveaway. Perhaps he was a successful businessman, but that didn't really matter to you, just as long as he could pay for your services.

"If that's what you want."

You make sure to have at least a little bit of alcohol in your system before accompanying Iseul back to his place. It helps make things easier for you for what's to come, both physically and mentally. As soon as you're back in Iseul's place, you have to restrain yourself from gawking at the large space and expensive-looking furnishings. He impatiently takes hold of your hand and guides you to the bedroom.

"Would you like the mask on or off?" you asked him as he shut the door behind you. It was a question you always asked before engaging in such activities. Some clients preferred the anonymity, some liked the full exposure, and some liked to mix-and-match.

Iseul chuckled as he walked up to you, imposing, and you found yourself shrinking away. "Off. I want to see that pretty little face _cry_."

* * *

Meanwhile, Zen was still mentally beating himself up for how careless he was with his words. He didn't mean to offend or anger you in any way. He just wanted to make sure that you were fine. If what you were doing was what you enjoyed and _wanted_ to do, then he would give you that. Sure, he wouldn't like it, but if it was by your choice, he would respect it. However, if it was something you were somehow pulled into doing, then Zen decided that he would help you out in whatever way he can. Hell, the young man was even ready to swallow his pride and beg Jumin for help if needed.

Zen looked down at his phone, pensive. It was late in the night, but maybe you weren't with a client this time around. Zen felt his heart clench at the thought of having another man touch you inappropriately. He scowled at the thought of you pleasuring some stranger like that one time you made him feel like he was in heaven. Except that stranger wouldn't even realize or appreciate just how special you were as a whole. Not like Zen.

The actor knew that you weren't his own to keep and that this was your job. It was what you had to do, but he still couldn't get rid of the twisting feeling in his stomach as he imagined how others might have treated you. Were they rough with you? Did they properly prepare you for what they were about to do? Did they throw disgusting slurs at you?

If it was Zen, he would be gentle and slow, making sure that it was what you wanted. If it was him, he would make sure you were very much ready to accept him and his love. If it was him, he would shower you with words of praise and adoration. If it was him...

The actor cursed quietly to himself before pulling up your contact information and pressing the 'Call' button. He needed to hear your voice. Zen waited as the phone rang once. Twice. Thrice. And very well continued to ring before cutting off. The actor groaned, frustrated, as he buried his face into his pillows.

When you heard your phone ring while Iseul was in the washroom to get ready, a moment of doubt and hesitation flashed in your mind. You stared at your phone before taking a deep breath, shutting it off and ready to get to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	11. Chapter 11

_It hurts._

That's the very first thing that registers in your mind the moment your eyelids flutter open. While Iseul didn't seem to be the one to leave marks on your skin, he's definitely made an invisible mark on you with the way your legs ache. You groan in pain, and you try to move, but you just can't right now. When you look around, you notice that Iseul isn't there, but there _is_ something else that catches your interest.

You slowly sit up to get a better look. On the bedside table, beside the considerable amount of cash, was a single rose. Your eyebrows stitched together, confused. Romantic relationships blossoming between a prostitute and their clients or having a client develop feelings for the person they slept with weren't unheard of, but you never were exposed to it personally, so seeing the rose caught you off guard.

You force yourself to swing your legs over to the side of the bed, quietly hissing through your teeth when you did so. Your legs still refuse to cooperate with you, so you reach out your arm instead and take the rose. When you do, you find that a small note has been tied to it. Curious, your eyes glance over it, your stomach churning when you read the delicate handwriting.

_"For my darling angel,  
Thank you for the wonderful night. I hope to see you again soon."_

You don't know what to think. As soon as you're capable, you hurriedly clean yourself up and leave Iseul's place, making sure to take the rose and note with you, but only with the intention of discarding it at home, afraid of the imaginative scenarios that might happen if Iseul managed to find out. You call a taxi to take you a few blocks away from your home, prefering to walk instead of having been dropped off directly.

As you're heading towards your apartment, you remember that you had turned off your phone. Reaching into your pocket, you take it out and give it a moment to light up to life. There were quite a few missed calls from Zen, plus one missed text. The text was the most recent one, sent just this morning, so you decide to look at that one first.

_"I'm at the theatre today. The director said you could come watch, if you're available. Please come if you can. I want to see you."_

Following the text was the address to the theatre, and your eyes widen slightly. If your memory served you correctly, that theatre was reserved for a group whose director you knew quite well. Your footsteps quicken in their pace, eager to change into something more modest for the place so that you could go see Zen and possibly chat with an old friend of yours.

* * *

"Seung!" you call out to the older male as you entered the place where the actors were currently scattered about, the stage abandoned as they were still in the early stages of the production and had no need for it at the moment. The male looked up, flashing you a wide grin as he went up to you and gave you a bone-crushing hug.

> _"Excuse me?" you asked tentatively, your voice echoing in the theatre._
> 
> _"May I help you?"_
> 
> _You took a moment to take in the appearance of the male before you. He was tall and lanky with short brown hair messily framing his face. When his matching brown eyes looked at you curiously, you spoke again. "Um, I'm looking for someone... His name's Hyun Ryu; he has white hair and red eyes, and he's about this tall... He's an actor. Have you seen him?"_
> 
> _"Can't say that I have, sorry."_
> 
> _"Oh..." you stared dejectedly at the floor, not knowing what you were expecting, and the young man felt pity for you. He offered you a friendly and welcoming smile._
> 
> _"I'll be sure to keep an eye out though. My name's Seung, by the way."_

"I haven't seen you in ages!" Seung beams as he lets go of you. "Been busy with clients?"

Seung was one of the few people you were friends with and one who was more accepting towards your occupation. He never judged you for it nor did he pry into your private life, but you knew that he still cared. You appreciated his perfect balance of involvement and distance in your life, and he was like an older brother to you. "Yeah, something like that..."

The male senses your discomfort and flashes you a sympathetic look. "Rough client?"

You laugh; it's the only way to alleviate and cope with the pain. "If you mean physically, yes. If you mean mentally, also yes."

Seung hums, not knowing how to respond to that before he switches the subject, "Oh yeah, do you remember that actor you were looking for before? Hyun Ryu, was it? He goes by the name Zen now apparently, and I've casted him as the antagonist if you're still looking for him. He's a _really_ good actor." You can't help but smile for Zen, finding small joy in how others were taking notice and appreciating his talents. Seung then continues talking, crossing his arms over his chest, "Apparently he was part of a scandal. Sexually harrassed some idol."

"And yet you still hired him despite that?" you asked, unable to disguise the surprise in your voice. To be honest, this was your first time hearing about what Zen's scandal was, not wanting to engage in some silly gossip or rumour. However, thinking about it now, you probably should have done your research so that you could have given Zen the proper support.

_[See? It's because you were being selfish. Always so selfish. Selfish, selfish, selish—]_

"He's good at acting," Seung shrugs, snapping you out of your thoughts. "As long as he doesn't hurt any of the cast and crew and work well, I couldn't care less."

"Can I know where he is?" you ask. "We've actually met up before, and he asked if I could come visit."

"Oooh," Seung drags out the syllable, a satisfied smile on his face as he nods. "So _you're_ the special someone he was talking about. He should be over there."

The brunette points in a direction on the other side of the room, and you're able to quickly spot the familiar white hair. You make your way over, finding yourself entranced with the young man's acting. The emotions from his expression and body language seemed so natural and so strong. The actor coincidentally looked up and made eye contact with you. He immediately broke character and excused himself, running over to where you were.

"Angel!" he greets you with a brilliant smile on his face, and for a second, you think he's about to hug you, but he stops himself just right in front of you. "I'm glad you could make it."

You smile softly in return, "I had some time to spare, so I thought I could go see you in your natural habitat."

Zen laughs at that, but he still can't get rid of the uneasiness in his heart. It's faint, but Zen could smell a man's cologne on you, and it doesn't escape his notice the way you hold yourself. He hates it. He absolutely _hates_ it, but he can't do anything about it. All Zen could do at this point is try to make you comfortable after what he could only guess must have been a tiring night.

* * *

You've contacted your manager at Masquerade beforehand, asking for a small break. It was rude to ask for one so suddenly, but Iseul really did a number on you last night, and you needed the time to recover before possibly taking on any more nights of entertainment. At the same time however, Iseul paid the club considerably well, so your manager allowed you your break without much fuss.

You twiddled your thumbs as you watched the rehearsal. Granted, you were really only watching Zen, and he most _definitely_ noticed. It was almost nerve-wrecking, feeling your intense gaze on him, but at the same time, it only made him want to put in even more effort into his work, wanting to show you his cool side.

As everybody started wrapping up for the day, you began gathering your belongings as well, ready to head home when Zen lightly jogged his way over to you. "Let me walk you home," he said. It sounded more like a firm order than anything else, and you nodded, unable to decline his intense gaze.

The young man's face lit up before excusing himself to hurriedly gather his things. As soon as he was ready, his hand naturally went to take yours and start guiding you back home. It was a bit of a walk, and the two of you could have easily taken a taxi or something, but it felt nice just being able to walk beside each other, hand-in-hand.

"So," Zen spoke, breaking the silence. "That was your first time watching me act, right? What'd you think?"

"You were amazing," you breathe out, and Zen instinctively tightened his grip around your hand from the compliment. "I could feel all the raw emotion of your character; I couldn't take my eyes away from you."

Zen flushed as he whispered quietly to himself so that you were unable to hear him, "I can't take my eyes away from you, either..."

The conversation then eased back into a comfortable silence as the two of you got closer to your apartment. You don't know why, but you found yourself bringing up the actor's scandal, "About your scandal...which idol was it that you're being accused of sexually harrassing?"

"Echo Girl," Zen answers simply, and you don't miss the irritation in his voice when he does.

You nod, "Ah... that woman? I never did like her. Always looked so preppy on TV, plus her songs are utter shit."

The young man finds comfort in finding a common enemy with you and finds himself relaxing just a bit more around you. Both you and Zen have arrived at your door, but there's still something he feels he needs to ask, "You believe me when I say I didn't do it, right?"

There's a certain kind of fear in Zen's eyes when you go to look at them, and you know that look. It's one you've worn many times yourself, afraid of the rejection and judgement you'll receive when people find out about your situation, and you find yourself squeezing his hand reassuringly. "Of course, I believe you. You can't even touch me without blushing pink."

And at your words, Zen unsurprisingly flushes. "You're different. That's because you're special..." he mutters, unable to look you in the eyes as he speaks.

There was that word again. _Special_. Seung said it too, but you had difficulty believing that. No, even if it was the truth, you knew that you couldn't let this continue. This...relationship, whatever it was, will only bring heartache for both you and Zen if you allow it to grow any further than this. That's what you believed, and so you wanted to say something, but the words get lodged in your throat when you feel Zen lift his hand and carefully run his fingers across your cheek.

His touch is soft and comforting, and though it tickles, you can't help but find it electric as well. Zen finally makes eye contact with you once more, and you see yourself and only yourself reflected in his eyes. You wonder if he can see that he's the only one reflected in your eyes. Neither of you speak nor move, merely staring at each other, trying to find the words.

"Can I..." Zen whispers the words so quietly, he's afraid that you might not have heard him. "Can I kiss you?"

Your eyes widen the slightest bit at his sudden request before giving a small and short nod as your eyelids slowly close for him. Zen stares at you as you stand there, eyes closed and waiting for him. You're too giving—too trusting—he realizes, and he's afraid of taking advantage of you, but when his gaze flickers to your lips and remembers how they felt on him— _around_ him—he's unable to resist.

He dips his head down, and you can feel his exhaled breaths against your lips, but to your surprise, he kisses you on the corner of your mouth instead. Your eyes flutter open, almost disappointed, but end up smiling all the same when you see Zen straighten himself up, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he mumbles out a muffled word of thanks.

The two of you exchange farewells, and Zen waits until you're inside your apartment. He stares at the closed door for a moment before heading back home, a small spring in his steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I wanted to include some Zen smut in this chapter, but after considering their current relationship standing, I thought it would be inappropriate. Will probably write it later though once their relationship is established.


	12. Chapter 12

It's been a while since Zen last logged into the RFA messenger, having been busy with the scandal, work, and you, but now that things have slowly started to wind down for him, he figured he could just pop in to see how the others were doing. It turned out that the RFA party wasn't as successful as they were hoping. Apparently there weren't that many guests who attended, but perhaps they all just had way too high of expectations for somebody who was just randomly thrust into having to organize a party for a bunch of strangers, but they all tried to stay positive.

 _"Zen! It's been a while,"_ Jaehee greeted the actor as soon as he joined the open chatroom. _"How have you been?"_

 _"Pretty good, actually,"_ Zen found himself smiling at Jaehee's concern for him.

 _"That's good,"_ the young woman replied, sending one of her emojis to follow afterwards. _"I was a bit worried since you've rarely logged in since the news conference you did..."_

Just then, the new party coordinator logged in as well and joined the chat. _"Lovely Zen! I'm so happy to see you here!"_

 _"Hey,"_ Zen greeted her, dropping the usual 'babe' from his greeting.

The conversation between the three was pretty light and easygoing for a while before Zen decided to bring up how he got a role that he was aiming for. As usual, Jaehee was very excited to see what kind of performance he would give, but their newest member wasn't as enthusiastic. _"Are you sure that's a good idea? Did you forget the scandal? You should just quit now before causing any more trouble. I should be all you need, really. Don't you love me?"_

 _"I don't,"_ Zen found himself answering the young woman's rambling with no hesitation. _"I mean, you're a nice person, I don't doubt that. You're a good friend, but that's all you are to me, I'm sorry. I can't see us being together if you can't support my career."_

The actor promptly left the chatroom after he sent his message, giving neither of the two the chance to say their piece. It's true that Zen might have felt something for the party coordinator before, but after getting to know her more the closer they got, he realized that it just wouldn't work out. Besides, he already held feelings for you. Feelings that he thought he buried away when he decided to leave you that fateful day, only to find himself falling in love with you all over again the moment you re-entered his life.

Zen never expected things to turn out this way. He always assumed that you would find a boyfriend who would be so much more deserving than the actor was in the past. He assumed that you would live a happy and carefree life without him; he never expected to find you again in such a dark place.

Zen's thoughts started to wander. There were so many questions he had inside his head about you. What happened to you when he cut himself out of your life? Why and how did you start working at a place like Masquerade? Where were the people who were once closest to you now? Zen wanted to know, but he didn't want to push you into talking about something uncomfortable if you weren't ready.

Heaving a sigh, the actor picked up his phone again and called you, only to find it go to voicemail. Zen doesn't know why, but he decided to call again immediately after, just to see if you would pick up this time, and you did.

"Hello?"

"Hey," Zen sighed in relief. "Sorry, were you busy?"

"Not really," you answered him, "I just got out of the shower. Sorry for missing your call. Did you need something?"

"Do you want to come over?" the young man asked, and it was only after the words left his mouth did he realize how it could have easily been misinterpreted. He continued, "I mean, I could use some help with practicing my lines, if you're willing..."

"Hyun," you spoke, your voice firm but also carrying a sort of teasing lilt underneath.

"Yeah?"

"That sounds like a set-up for a really bad porn video," you answer him, and Zen choked on air. He was thankful you couldn't see how red his face had gotten, but it was embarrassing all the same hearing him sputter. Well, as embarrassing as it was, Zen thought it wasn't that bad since he got to hear your amused laughter. "I was just kidding. Sure, I'll help out. Do you still live in the same half-underground apartment as before?"

"I do."

You hum in acknowledgement, "Mkay. I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

> _Zen might have seemed very cool on the outside, but as of right now, he was internally panicking. He stole a glance towards you as the two of you walked side-by-side back to his apartment, dripping wet._
> 
> _Both you and Zen had ended up playing around a small riverbank earlier in the day, trying to find some time to just unwind from the stress of daily life. You had playfully pushed him into the water, catching him entirely off guard. He glanced up at you after overcoming his initial shock and found his eyes softening when he saw you clutching your stomach, laughing without a single care in the world. As it should be, Zen found himself thinking as he recalled those tired and stressed eyes of yours from before._
> 
> _"You bad girl," Zen playfully growled before sitting up and reaching for your arm, forcefully pulling you down to the water with him._
> 
> _You shrieked from surprise and fell into the water with Zen, but he made sure to use his body to cushion your fall. The two of you wrestled with each other, splashing at each other before eventually becoming too tired to continue. You both sat there, laughing loudly and completely drenched. After getting over his laughing fit, Zen looked over at you, and he felt his cheeks warm up at the sight._
> 
> _He completely forgot that you were wearing a white shirt, and though he wanted to look away out of consideration for you, he couldn't. The way the sun got caught in your hair in addition to the water droplets that trailed down your skin had the aspiring actor captivated. He unknowingly reached out a hand to touch you but stopped when he felt the tightness in his jeans. Self-control, he had to remind himself._
> 
> _"We—" Zen paused to clear his throat when his voice ended up coming out as slightly husky. "We should probably get you home so that you could dry off. Wouldn't want you to get sick, after all."_
> 
> _"Not yet... I, um... I-Is it okay if I go over to your house to dry off there?" you asked quietly, and perhaps a bit sadly too. "I don't want to go home yet..."_
> 
> _In all honesty, Zen didn't think he could trust himself with you in his house, and with soaked clothes too, but he was able to pick up on the discomfort in your voice. Perhaps there was something going on at home, but Zen knew that even if he refused, you would just wander around aimlessly instead. He decided it would be much better to have you in a place he can see you, and nodded. The young man helped you up to your feet and then proceeded to take off his jacket, squeezing out the excess water before draping it over your figure._
> 
> _Curious, you glanced up at him, but when you saw that he was desperately trying to avoid looking at you, you looked down at yourself and realized why. You let out a small squeak as you hugged the jacket tighter around you. "Th-Thanks."_
> 
> _And now here you were, inside Zen's apartment. You weren't too sure what you were expecting when you went inside, but despite the mess and small space, it felt...comforting. Welcoming. Zen shut the door behind you and opened up a window, afraid that the lingering smell of cigarette smoke would bother you. "Sorry for the mess," he apologized, internally cringing as he picked up the trash on the ground in addition to his dirty laundry, and—oh god, his underwear was there too._
> 
> _"It's okay," you replied, awkwardly standing there as Zen continued to pick up his mess. "I'm sorry for intruding..."_
> 
> _The young man shook his head, "Not at all! Do you want to shower? You can wear my clothes while you wait for yours to dry."_
> 
> _"Yes, thank you..."_
> 
> _Zen guided you to the washroom and prepared the shower, making sure it was precisely at the right temperature. He knew how fickle it could be, and he didn't want the water temperature to change suddenly while you were showering. As soon as he was done there, he left the washroom and bounded over to his room to get a change of clothes for you. As he looked through his closet, Zen realized that his bed sheets were still stained from those times he jerked himself off to you, and he had to make an effort not to scream in horror as he ripped the sheets off the bed and quickly threw it along with his dirty laundry._
> 
> _Once Zen found a change of clothes for you to wear, he knocked on the washroom door. "I'm opening the door!" he called out, wanting to make sure there were no surprises for either of you. The aspiring actor slowly opened the door a crack and placed the clothes on top of the hamper beside it. "There's a change of clothes here for you."_
> 
> _"Thank you," you called out from the shower, and Zen quickly shut the door behind him._
> 
> _A few minutes later, you walked out feeling refreshed as Zen's far too big clothes draped over your body, and that was when the young man couldn't take it anymore. He excused himself, practically running into the washroom and locking the door behind him before pulling his jeans and underwear down. He was so hard, it was almost painful and shameful. He never knew having you over at his house would be absolute torture._

Zen had just finished cleaning up when there was a knock on his door. He opened it perhaps a bit too excitedly, smiling at you in greeting. The young man gestured for you to come inside, and you did. You slipped off your shoes and started glancing around.

"Huh, it's much cleaner than I last remembered it," you comment, walking around and realizing that much of the furnishings have stayed the same as in your memory. It was strangely comforting.

Zen laughed nervously, "Yeah, well..."

That was when you noticed it, and suddenly all your focus went to the object on the shelf. Your eyes couldn't believe what you were seeing as you walked over to it, Zen's eyes watching you all the while.

> _"A present? For me?" Zen was perplexed as you held the neatly wrapped gift out in front of him. "Why...?"_
> 
> _"Because it's your birthday!" you answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world._
> 
> _"But how did—...Haejung told you, didn't he?" Zen sighed in defeat but graciously accepted the gift anyways. You urged him to open it, so he did, his eyes widening the slightest bit when he was greeted by a skull necklace. "Cool..."_
> 
> _You giggled to yourself, satisfied with his reaction, "I thought it would go well with your image. You need to accessorize more, by the way."_
> 
> _Zen chuckled softly before pulling you into an appreciative hug. "Thanks angel. I love it... Put it on for me?"_
> 
> _You nodded, taking the necklace from him before the young man turned around and crouched down so he was at a more comfortable level for you. You carefully moved his strands of hair away to make clasping the necklace on easier, and Zen shivered when your fingers brushed across his neck. "There!"_

You picked up the all too familiar necklace in your hands. Even though it's been years, it was still very much well-maintained. "You still have this...?" you asked in disbelief, your voice coming out as a whisper.

"It's very important to me," Zen answered you as he walked up behind you while you continued to stare at the necklace in wonder. You were broken out of your thoughts however when you felt strong hands place themselves on your hips from behind. You stood there, waiting to see what Zen would do next, but all he did was allow his hands to continue resting on your hips before burying his face in your hair.

"Hyun?" you call out to him, confused and concerned. He didn't respond, so you tried something else. "Zen...?" This time, the actor stiffened slightly in response. You smiled softly to yourself as you spoke, "You also used my stage name suggestion..."

> _"Do you even need a stage name though?" you wondered to yourself as you swung your legs back and forth on Zen's bed._
> 
> _"I would prefer not to go as Hyun Ryu," he answered simply._
> 
> _You hummed thoughtfully to yourself, "Oh! How about 'Zen'?"_
> 
> _"'Zen'?" the young man repeated, trying to get a feel for the name on his tongue._
> 
> _You nodded, "Yeah! Like, you know, zen? Being at peace? Like, those who watch your performances and see your efforts will help them be at peace. Or you being at peace with yourself for doing something that you enjoy doing!"_

Zen's grip on your hips tightened the slightest bit as he repeated, "It's very important to me..."

Neither one of you say a word after that, both of you lost in your own respective thoughts. You had such a huge impact on Zen's life back then that parts of you still lingered in his life even now. As hard as he tried, the actor just couldn't part himself from your memory. He refused to. You let out a small gasp when the young man fully wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer towards his chest.

"I'm sorry..." Zen mumbled into your hair, confusing you even further.

"Hyun...? What are you—"

"I'm sorry for hurting you," he continued.

"Hyun, you've never hurt me," you try to reassure him, increasingly getting worried as you tried to turn to face the young man, but he just tightened his grip around you even more.

"I'm sorry for leaving you," Zen explained, and you froze in realization. ...So that's what it was. Zen's body trembled from behind you, and you could hear small crying sounds from him which made your heart shatter.

 _"I love you."_ Those were the words that Zen wanted to say, but he couldn't bring himself to say them. Why? Why couldn't he say them? He needed to. He wanted to. But his body wouldn't let him. Was it fear? Guilt? Whatever it was that prevented Zen from speaking, it threw him into turmoil.

"Hyun, please let me go," you ordered him gently.

Zen usually did whatever it was you asked of him, so when he refused, only shaking his head as he tried to pull your body back closer against him as though wanting to meld together, you were surprised. He didn't want to let go. Not again. Not again, not again, _never again_.

"Hyun, let me go," you repeat, your voice much more firm, and he reluctantly does so.

You immediately turn around and wrap your arms around Zen's neck, pulling him down into your embrace. A hug should be done face-to-face for this situation, and not from behind. Zen's hands shot upwards to clutch at the back of your shirt. "I never blamed you..." you whispered in his ear, although the both of you knew that was a lie. You might not have blamed him for what happened to you, but you couldn't deny that you felt betrayed by him when he just left your life without so much of a goodbye, but that wasn't what Zen needed right now. "I not once ever blamed you, so please... There's nothing for you to apologize for."

Zen couldn't help but laugh wryly, "...You know, I know I said that you've changed, but I take that back. You're still as kind as I remembered you."

"And you're still as flirtatious as always," you hum in response.

The actor chuckles before pulling away, having calmed down. You wipe away the tears that lingered on his cheeks with your hand, and when you go to retract it, Zen grabs your wrist, keeping it in place as he presses his lips against your fingers. "...Won't you tell me what happened?"

It wasn't your intention to talk much about yourself, but under Zen's intense gaze, you answered, "Sometimes, people just crack, especially under lots of pressure. ...And that's exactly what I did. I cracked, and I broke."

"You're not broken," Zen told you firmly, determination in his eyes to convince you of his words.

You shook your head, whispering, "You don't know that... You don't know half of the things that have happened to me... Half of the things that I've done."

"I want to know," Zen's voice was pleading now, and you flashed him an apologetic smile before laughing. You always laughed. Laughter was a great way of coping.

"I'm not quite ready to confess my sins to you, angel," you answer teasingly, but you're only met with a serious response.

"I'll wait for you. Until you're ready."

You don't know when or how, but both you and Zen have somehow become much closer, your lips barely brushing against each other. Perhaps it was Zen who leaned in forward first, or perhaps it was you. ...Perhaps it was both of you. "...I appreciate it," you murmur before lips connect, and again, you're not sure who made the move first, but it's warm and gentle and slow, and it feels like the both of you are on the same page.

You part from each other for a brief second before finding yourselves attracted to each other once more, and both you and Zen lock lips again, just as careful and sweet as the last as Zen's hands find yours and interlace your fingers together. You feel like you're falling; it's both terrifying yet oddly pleasant, but Zen is there with you, and for a moment, you think that if this is what it's like, you wouldn't mind falling for eternity.

* * *

The taste and feel of Zen's lips still linger on yours by the time you get to work. In the end, you never got around to helping him practice his lines, the two of you having fallen into a pleasant air with each other, trying to laugh away the absurdity of everything that's happened so far and recalling the more entertaining things of the past. You were broken out of your thoughts when your coworker called for you.

"You have a repeat," she explained. 'Repeat' was what you called customers and clients who came back a second or third time, and you sighed to yourself, thinking that it was Iseul as you mentally prepared yourself. ...Except it wasn't Iseul.

Crimson eyes met yours, and the actor's lips curved into a sheepish smile as you approached him. He stood up, reaching out and taking hold of your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Zen's voice is soft and low as he answers your unspoken question, "I have the money... Please, let me spend the night with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Status: Dead  
> Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions either here or on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	13. Chapter 13

The night air is cold, but it's nothing new; however, Zen is still considerate as always and shrugs off his jacket before draping it over your shoulders. You mumble out a small and genuine thanks, linking yourself to his arm and leaning against him. You feel the actor tense slightly from the contact, and you can't stop the small laugh that bubbles out of your chest. "Are you uncomfortable like this?" you ask; it's the last thing you want to make him feel, and you were ready to back away if that was the case.

"No," he breathes out, flashing you a bashful smile. "Just... _really_ happy."

A comfortable silence falls upon you two as he guides you back to his apartment. It's not the first time you've been over, but this time, it's different. There's a certain kind of promise behind it. It's both nerve-wrecking yet exciting at the same time, the butterflies in your stomach dancing wildly to the sound of your beating heart. Zen opens the door for you, gesturing for you to enter first like the gentleman he is.

"Do you want the mask on or off?" you ask the usual question as Zen takes the jacket from you and puts it away.

"Off," he answers without a moment's hesitation, smiling warmly at you. "I just want you to be yourself, and..." The actor walks up to you, taking your hand in his and kisses your knuckles. He breathes out a small sigh as he makes eye contact with you. "We don't have to do anything...um, _intimate_. When I asked to spend the night with you, I only meant it as in just enjoying each other's company...if that makes sense."

"So you _don't_ want to sleep together?" you ask just to clarify as you take off your mask and set it aside somewhere.

Zen's cheeks warm up. "I-It's not that I don't want to," he clumsily admits, finding it difficult to maintain eye contact but forces himself to do so, "but I don't... I don't want it to be something that you feel obligated to give. You've already given so much to me; I'm afraid my heart might burst if you give me even more, so I want to give back to you instead. Even if it's just for tonight, I want it to be how _you_ want it to be."

"You're very sweet," you compliment him, and the actor mirrors your warm expression, hands moving up to rest on your hips. "So, if we're not going to sleep together, is there anything else specific you'd like to do instead?" You still insisted on doing something for him.

"Whatever you want," Zen replies, resting his forehead against yours. "Anything and everything."

"Then, a dance with you."

> _"I can't dance," you complained as the aspiring actor took hold of your hand and pulled you closer towards him. He merely laughed at your plight as he tried to convince you otherwise._

"I thought you couldn't dance," Zen teases with a grin, and you roll your eyes as you place a hand on his shoulder while the other takes his hand off your hip and interlocks your fingers together.

"I had a very insistent teacher," you muse as the two of you finish getting into position. For a moment, there's only silence, but then Zen starts humming softly, and your heart swells at the familiar tune as he starts leading you in a slow dance around the room.

> _In all honesty, you don't know why the fact that Zen was able to play piano surprised you, but it was a pleasant surprise all the same. You listened attentively as the young man's fingers glided over the keys with a flourish. The song wasn't one you were familiar with, but it made you feel at ease. Soft and gentle but also warm and full of joy. As soon as Zen finished playing, you applauded, and he gave you a sheepish smile in return._
> 
> _"So, what do you think of the song?" Zen asked curiously as he got up from the seat and made his way over to you._
> 
> _"It's lovely," you sighed in admiration._
> 
> _The aspiring actor nodded at your response and rubbed the back of his head as he admitted, "It's an original, actually."_
> 
> _You were quite impressed by that, and it definitely showed in your reaction. "Wow, really?! What's it called?"_
> 
> _Zen smiled as he stared at you, his posture relaxing. "'My Angel'."_

You close your eyes, allowing yourself to become enveloped in Zen's comfort and voice as you started to hum along with him. One step forward and one step back. One step back and one step forward. Both you and Zen were in perfect sync with each other that it was hard to believe that it's been years since the two of you last spent time together. Once the song ends, neither of you make a move to separate from each other, unwilling to let go.

"Thank you," you randomly blurt out, catching the male off guard. He looks at you in confusion, but you don't say anything further. After all, there were many things you wanted to thank Zen for, you didn't know where to start. You sigh softly, leaning your head against his chest and finding comfort in his racing heartbeat that matched yours. You felt the actor rest his chin atop your head as his fingers threaded through your hair. The both of you stay in that position for a bit longer before you pull away, and your eyes lock with his.

There's so much emotion behind them, you bring up your hands to cup his face and bring it down closer to your own, wanting to get a better view of those crimson eyes, but they become half-lidded the closer you get. You continue to stare at each other just until the last moment when your lips touch. Zen's hand goes up to cup your face as well, as he pushes himself closer against your body. You carefully run your tongue across Zen's lips, causing him to shudder before suddenly pulling away from you.

"We don't have to—"

"I want to," you interrupt Zen firmly, your voice unwavering. The actor looks into your smoldering eyes, and you continue. "I've wanted to for a _very_ long time now..."

Zen's eyes widen the slightest bit at your words. He feels a bit embarrassed to admit it, but he's wanted it too for just as long, and the fact that you felt the same way all this time makes him feel like he was exposed. The actor takes a deep shuddering breath as he dips his head down to rest on your shoulder. "...I'm scared," he confesses quietly in your ear.

"I am too." How couldn't you be? There were too many uncertainties. Too many unanswered questions. But even so... "...I still trust you."

And that was enough. At least for now, that was enough. Zen seemed to think so too as he tentatively kissed your cheek, arms carefully wrapping themselves around you as he swept you off your feet, making you gasp from surprise. He carried you over to his bedroom, carefully setting you down on the mattress before having it dip down underneath the actor's weight as he followed soon after you. You lay comfortably on your back as he made his way over to you, hovering over your form as Zen allowed his arms to rest on either side of you.

The young man gazes down at you, hesitant, and you offer him a small smile to ease his worries. In all honesty, even if you said you wanted this, if Zen himself was uncertain, then you were ready to stop. You slowly trail your hand up along Zen's arm, his eyes never leaving yours as you then stroke his cheek with your fingers with feather-like touches. "Are you sure you want to do this?" you ask one more time to make sure.

At your question, Zen offers a small smile. "I should be asking you that. ...I do. And you?"

"I do too," the words easily leave your lips, and the both of you lean towards each other to meet halfway and engage into a long and deep kiss.

Throughout the kiss, Zen pushes himself forward until you're lying back down on the bed. The two of you part with a small contented sigh before allowing your lips to connect together once more. Zen's hands don't know what to do, so you guide them to the hem of your dress, but he merely continues to let them rest there. You hum curiously into the kiss.

"Not yet," he murmurs against your lips. "I want to enjoy this a bit longer, if that's okay with you."

"Of course," you smile at him, happy that he felt the same way as you. You didn't want to rush through this. This was...special, and you wanted to cherish each moment. Satisfied with your response, Zen continued to kiss you, slow but certain. His eyes flutter open for a moment to stare at you and feels his heart swell when he sees you enjoying yourself. Eventually, the kisses become more eager the longer time passes.

You run your tongue across Zen's lips, and he parts them for you this time. His tongue meets with yours, and you two try to overcome each other, desperate to taste the other first. Zen relents, and you run your tongue across his teeth then the walls of his cheeks before expertly stroking the roof of his mouth. The actor moans, sending shivers to run down your spine. You then allow Zen to do what he wants, your tongue stroking his as the wet muscle leaves his mouth, inviting him to follow you, and he does.

Zen repeats the same actions as you, carefully mapping out your mouth and carefully going over it again and again, all the while drawing out small sounds of delight from you. When he finally draws back from your lips, he finds himself smiling triumphantly at how out of breath he's made you, but then again, it's the same for you as Zen's chest heaves with deep pants. As soon as the actor catches his breath, he dips his head back down to kiss your jaw before trailing down to your throat. The young man smiles against your skin when he feels it vibrate from the small blissful hum you give.

Zen continues to place butterfly kisses across your neck and stops at the junction where your neck and shoulder meet. Experimentally, he runs his tongue across the expanse of skin, and he's met with a sigh from your lips. So he does it again before running his teeth along it and offers a firm bite, eliciting a small gasp from you this time. He gives the area extra attention as he bites and sucks on the skin, and you tilt your head to the side to give him more space, the loose strands of the young man's hair tickling you. Zen eventually pulls back to admire his work, and he's tempted to leave more traces of himself on you, but perhaps for another time. The actor's lips curve themselves into an uncertain smile at what he could only hope be a promise of a next time before his eyes flicker over to your expression.

After moments of nothing from Zen, you curiously open your eyes, only to be met with him staring at you intensely, his lips parted slightly as he mumbled out a few words that you couldn't quite hear. You make a questioning sound, pulling him out of whatever trance he was in. "You're beautiful," he speaks at a louder volume, unabashed, and you find your cheeks flushing from the compliment. "I mean it," Zen continues as he gently guides your face to look directly at him. "You're so beautiful to me... So precious and so special... I _really_ want you to know that."

You part your lips but find yourself unable to speak, so you nod, telling the actor that you understood. He seems glad at your response, and you move to sit up on the bed. Your hands find his and guides them to the back of your dress where the zipper is. "Help me with my dress?" It was an innocent question, but the underlying meaning behind it had Zen's cheeks turning red. You don't turn around to give him easy access and instead lean forward against him, enjoying what you could call an embrace as Zen fumbles with the zipper. You can't help but giggle when he struggles with it. "Take your time, Hyun," you whisper against his ear, teasing with newfound confidence from his previous words. "We have all night." You laugh, amused, when you actually hear him swallow, and you bury your face in the crook of his neck as you wrap your arms around him with a large smile on your face.

After several attempts, Zen _finally_ works through the zipper, and you pull back from your embrace so that he could slip the dress off of you, his fingers carefully roaming around the newly exposed flesh. Once the dress is pulled all the way down to your waist, you maneuver yourself to bring them further down your legs before haphazardly throwing the article of clothing on the floor. You crawl back over to Zen and help him with his own shirt, pulling it over his head and throwing it to lie abandoned with your dress.

Your eyes roam all across Zen's exposed torso, licking your lips as you do so. His body is just as perfect as his face and who he was as a whole, you note to yourself as you place a hand on him. Zen leans back a bit on his arms to move to a more comfortable position as you explore his body. His eyes meet yours before glancing down to your bra, so you lean towards him again so that he could deal with the clasp.

Unlike with the zipper, Zen seems more confident is able to unclasp your bra with relative ease. He slips it off of you and leans back to admire you. It's not the first time a man's seen you naked like this, but it _is_ the first time for Zen, and your hands instinctively go to cover yourself, but the actor's hands easily grab your wrists. "You're beautiful," he repeats, and the words sound just as sincere as the first time he's said them. "Please don't hide yourself from me..."

You nod slowly, and Zen interlocks his fingers with yours, placing your connected hands down to your sides as he takes a moment to cherish how you look. His eyes travel all over your body, trying to commit each small detail to memory before placing another kiss to your throat. You tilt your head back, and Zen's hand momentarily leaves yours to place them on your back, running his fingers down along your spine which makes you arch into him.

Zen dips his head lower, down to your collar bone and traveling to the valley between your breasts. For a second, he debates on which breast to give attention to first but decides it doesn't matter which goes first. He places a soft kiss on one of your nipples, causing you to let out a deep breath. Zen sticks out his tongue and runs it over the bud, enjoying the small shudder you give at the action. His hand goes to cup and tease your other nipple while Zen rolls this one around his tongue. He finally places the bud inside his mouth and gives one loud suck. Your hand doesn't move fast enough to muffle the sound of you crying out in delight before Zen bites. He alternates between biting and sucking, offering satisfied hums every now and then. When the actor finally pulls his mouth away to switch to the next one, he makes sure to place one last kiss first.

Zen gives your other nipple just as much attention, and you can't take it anymore. You roll your hips against his, desperate for some kind of friction against your still clothed sex, but the young man grips you by the hips and firmly holds you in place. You whine in protest, and you could have sworn you felt Zen smirk against you before deciding he gave your breasts enough attention as is. He brings his face back up to yours, your eyes pleading.

Zen kisses you on the lips as he guides you to lie back down on the bed, wanting to make sure you were comfortable. He hooks his fingers underneath the band of your underwear before pulling them down. As soon as they're low enough, you impatiently kick them off, and Zen takes a sharp intake of breath when his eyes look over your completely exposed form. His gaze flickers between your eyes and your glistening sex, a silent question hanging in the air, and you nod encouragingly.

Zen trails his fingers along your entrance. "Oh wow," he breathes out, voice deep and strained. "You're so wet... Has anyone else ever gotten you this wet before?"

"No," you answer him truthfully, and you're quite happy with that response. It seems like Zen is too before his brows furrow together.

"Did it ever hurt...?" he asks another question as he continues to stroke your slit but not pushing his fingers in yet.

"Hyun, they don't matter," you answer him, reaching out to cup his cheek, stroking it with your thumb. "You're the one here with me right now. You're _all_ that matters to me right now. All that _ever_ mattered. All that _will_ matter."

Zen feels like his heart is about to burst and he kisses you passionately on the lips in response. You return his kiss with just as much vigor, and when Zen inserts a finger inside you, the actor drinks in the moan you give against his lips. He slowly slides his finger out and then back in with a rhythmic pattern as he pulls away from the kiss, allowing you to finally moan out, unrestrained.

"Does it feel good?" he whispers against you, lips barely brushing against yours with each word he utters.

"Yes," you sigh, wanting more.

"Can I put another finger in?" Zen asks for permission, and while you found it rather endearing, it was also maddening at the same time.

"Yes, _please_ ," you begged, gripping onto his arms as you bucked your hips.

Zen nodded, groaning softly when he felt your walls try to suck in his fingers. He started to increase his pace, making scissoring motions with his fingers to prepare you for what was to come. Once you were properly stretched out, Zen made quick work to remove his jeans and underwear before he paused. The actor's cheeks flushed in shame and embarrassment, "Oh, shit. I-I, um... I actually don't have any condoms on me."

You must have given him a look of complete disbelief because the actor then tried to defend himself, "I don't do these sorts of things, so I never had a reason to have them on hand!"

"But..." you tried to reason, "But you came to Masquerade, asking for me...?"

"I never actually expected us to..." Zen trailed off, pursing his lips into a pout.

You can't help but laugh at how cute he was being as you prop yourself up on your elbows to kiss him. You then move over to go to your discarded dress, taking out an extra condom from the hidden pocket. You easily tear it open and roll it yourself onto Zen's cock, and he bites back a moan at the feeling. The two of you move back to your previous position, and Zen aligns his sex against your entrance. He looks at you, wanting to absolutely make sure that you wanted this, and you did. You were more than certain as you gave the actor an encouraging smile and spread your legs a bit more for him.

Without another moment to waste, Zen started to push himself inside you. It was slow, but you could feel all of his underlying emotions with just that alone. It was so overwhelming, you close your eyes. But just then, Zen pauses in his movements, and you feel him stroking your cheek. "I'm sorry," he whispered an apology, "Does it hurt?"

"What...?" you ask, dazed, as you open your eyes again only to find your vision to be blurred. It's only then do you realize you're crying, and you laugh, but unlike the previous ones that held a certain sadness to them, this one was joyous. You shook your head, choking back a small sob. "No," you answer him. "I'm just... Oh god, I'm just _really_ happy right now."

Zen's eyes widen at your words as he can feel tears prick at the corner of his eyes too as he gazes at you in awestruck wonder as you lie there, crying but with the most radiant smile he's ever seen on you. It doesn't even register in Zen's mind as he takes your face in his hand and leans his head down to kiss you, overjoyed as well. His tears mix with yours, and it tastes both salty and sweet as you both desperately lay out your naked hearts to each other.

Zen gives one swift thrust of his hips, now fully sheathed inside you, and you both moan into the kiss at the sensation as your sexes pulsate against one another. Zen offers you a moment to adjust to him before setting a careful rhythm to his thrusts into you. You both stubbornly refuse to part your lips, desperate to connect with each other wherever you can as you both take in each other's satisfying moans, trying to make them a part of your own beings.

Zen's hands leave your face and blindly grope around the bed for your own hands. As soon as he finds them, he firmly presses his palms against your own, intertwining your fingers and locking them together. He squeezes your hand, and you squeeze in turn. On one particular thrust, Zen's cock brushes against that delicate spot inside you, and you break the kiss apart to tilt your head back into the pillow, crying out in pleasure.

Zen doesn't waste any time and easily finds the spot again, and you squirm underneath him as he aims for and successfully hits the spot repeatedly. He had always thought you were beautiful, but watching you fall apart underneath him with your expression as one of pure bliss, he can't help but find you much more ravishing than usual.

" _Hyun_ —Oh god, Hyun... I-I can't—" you cry desperately as you could feel the coil in your stomach tightening more and more with each thrust Zen gives you. The bed creaks underneath you as you desperately buck your hips, chasing for your own release as the sound of skin slapping skin and Zen's lovely moans mixed together with yours filled your ears.

Zen lets go of one of your hands so that he could furiously rub your clit, eager and more than happy to help you reach your peak. You easily unravel underneath him, lifting yourself off the bed as you tightly squeezed the actor's hand that was still connected with yours while the other clutched at the sheets for purchase. The way your walls clench against Zen's cock is enough to send him over the edge not too long after you, dipping his head back and repeatedly crying out your name, eyes clenched shut as he gave a few more stuttering thrusts before completely stilling.

Zen eases his hold on your hand and carefully pulls out of you with a soft groan, making sure to discard the condom properly before making his way back over to you. The actor wraps one arm around your waist while you still try to catch your breath. His other hand goes to brush away some strands of hair on your face before softly kissing the crown of your head.

"I love you," are the first words you say after you come down from your high, and you turn to your side so that you could properly face the young man. "I loved you for a very long time now." Your confession is blunt but sincere as you press your lips against Zen's once more, hoping he felt the same.

After a few minutes of just silently basking in each other's presence, you decide to speak, "Home was...stressful, to say the least. There were a lot of factors involved in my decision, but I ended up running away one day." Zen shifts beside you on the bed, surprised but pleased that you were finally willing to talk about this. He patiently strokes your hair as you continue, "I've been alone since then..."

It's not much of an explanation, but it's a start. The fact that you even brought it up by yourself was already an achievement itself, and Zen was willing to wait until you were comfortable enough to tell him everything, but he was satisfied with even just this for now. The actor cupped your chin between his fingers and tilted your head upwards to look at him.

"You're not alone anymore. I'll stay by your side from now on," Zen reassured you, and you could feel yourself tearing up again.

"Even though I'm so broken?" you ask, your voice cracking, and Zen's eyes soften.

"I promise."

* * *

The next morning, you wake up feeling rather good for once, and there's no doubt it's because of the young man still sleeping away beside you. Your heart swells at the sight of waking up beside Zen, and you lovingly brush away some strands of his hair away from his face. Carefully, so as to not rouse the actor from his peaceful slumber, you get up and go to retrieve your phone. As soon as you open it, you're greeted by a missed text from a coworker of yours who only sent a link. You weren't too sure what you were expecting, but it certainly wasn't this.

**_Musical Actor 'ZEN': Sleeping Around with Women_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Status: Deader than Dead  
> This was a wild ride to write. I do hope that I was able to properly convey what I wanted to convey and that you all enjoyed CMIYC thus far. At this point in time, I _will_ be slowing down with updates as I try to determine how to go about the next few chapters. I know which direction to take them in, but I'm still trying to plot out the more detailed ideas.  
>  'Til then, feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions on my [Tumblr](http://avistella.tumblr.com/)!


	14. Chapter 14

_"Rising musical actor Hyun Ryu, stage name 'ZEN', was seen last night leaving the club 'Masquerade' and walking together with a mysterious woman in arm. Witnesses state that this isn't the first time the musical actor was seen around the club. Previously, Mr. Ryu was involved in a large scandal in which he was accused of sexually assaulting famous idol, Echo Girl. Many are speculating..."_

Frustration and irritation rose in your chest as your eyes scanned through the text of the article and following comments. Most of them were very negative towards Zen, accusing him of being a womanizer who only cared about himself. You bit your lower lip to stop yourself from crying; you knew this was going to happen. You were aware of the consequences the moment you accompanied Zen back to his apartment last night, but actually being met with them face-to-face, you couldn't help but feel guilty and ashamed.

You knew you shouldn't have done this. What was going to happen to the actor's career now? You glanced towards Zen who was still sleeping soundly without a care in the world, and your expression softened. You reached out to stroke his cheek but paused when your phone vibrated with a text message from your manager. You were being called for, and they were very adamant that you come right away.

You directed your gaze back to Zen before sighing in defeat as you picked up your clothes and headed to his washroom to clean yourself up. For a moment, you debate with yourself as to whether or not you should wake up Zen but decide against it. ...This wasn't new. Spending a night at somebody's house and then leaving the next morning without a goodbye wasn't new.

Last night was special, yes, but now you needed to go back to your usual life. You remember all the emotions you felt and all the things you said to Zen last night and bury them away deep in your heart as you quietly open the door to leave.

* * *

When Zen wakes up, he instinctively reaches his hand out to the space beside him, expecting you to still be there, but when he was only met with empty space, he forced himself to sit up. He called out for you and glanced around, eventually realizing that all your stuff and even your warmth is gone. The young man doesn't know how he feels, and he goes to retrieve his phone to call you when he sees that he received one missed text from Jumin.

_"You're welcome."_

Confusion makes its way onto Zen's face before he coincidentally looked out the window and saw some of Jumin's bodyguards there. The actor becomes even more confused and sends the corporate heir a text, asking what was going on.

Jumin's response was immediate, _"If you're going to have your fun with women, you should be more careful about who sees you. The bodyguards were sent so that you wouldn't have to deal with the media on your second scandal, so again, you're welcome."_

Everything slowly started to piece itself together, and Zen immediately went on the Internet to search up his name. Just the titles alone were enough, and the actor clicked his tongue before trying to call your phone, only to have it go to voicemail. He tries again and again, but the response, or rather lack thereof, is no different. Zen considers going to Masquerade to check if you're there, but then he remembers that he has rehearsal today, and it's something he needs to attend if he wants to keep a roof above his head.

* * *

You don't like this. You _really_ don't like this, but it seems as though Iseul has really taken an interest with you. He sits close to you, thighs pressing together as he plays with a lock of your hair between his fingers.

"I saw you in a news article today," he starts, and you know that you're not going to like where this conversation was heading. "You were with another man."

"You're forgetting just what it is exactly that I am," you answer, hoping to prove your point. "I spend time with several men all the time."

"Do you have feelings for him? That...musical actor, was it?" he asks, and you freeze on the spot. However, Iseul doesn't give you time to answer before he places a soft kiss on your cheek; it lacked warmth. "Even if you do, you know that he doesn't feel the same way, right? None of them do. Have they ever showered you with gifts? Or taken you out on a date?"

You furrow your brows as you think. You don't care about the others, but you do start to think about Zen. Yes, he has given you gifts before, and you guessed you could consider some of your time spent together as dates, but that was in the past when you were still that little goody-two-shoes that you tried to be. It was different now though.

Both you and Zen slept together last night, but was it because he actually loved you? Or was he only using you for his own desire? Did he only sleep with you because he thought you were the same as back then? Except you weren't the same. Was it all a lie then? All those small fleeting bouts of happiness you had with Zen, were they all a lie? Did he feel the same way?

_[Isn't he the same as all the others who slept with you?]_

No, Zen was special. Or at least, he was special to you. He was endearingly stubborn as he tried to get to know you again, but he was also patient with you and refused to force things from you. You loved Zen; you even told him so.

_[But did he ever tell you he loved you?]_

You take a sharp intake of breath when you come to this realization. He...didn't. After you told him your feelings, the two of you engaged in another long kiss after that. Zen never said—

You start to feel dizzy and betrayed the more you think about this. No, maybe it's just a misunderstanding. It was just a misunderstanding on your part, surely. Zen was different. He was kind and sweet and loving. It definitely showed in his actions. ...But the doubt that Iseul's words provided are already rooted deep inside you, and you can't think properly. You need to know. You need confirmation. Validation.

You're brought out of your thoughts when a firm hand forces you to turn your head, and you feel lips connect with yours. Iseul pulls away while you're still trying to process what just happened, and he softly strokes your cheek, offering you a small smile. "I'm sure you must be tired since I asked for you so suddenly, but I just wanted to let you know that I bought your time again for tomorrow night. Wear something nice; I plan to take you on a date."

* * *

* * *

It's night time by now, and you were thankfully able to get off work early. You figured you could use the time to prepare yourself for what Iseul had planned for you tomorrow (you had no idea what he meant by "date"), but you found yourself standing in front of Zen's apartment instead. After knocking on the actor's door for the umpteenth time and being met only with silence, you decide to give up and leave. However, just as you're walking away, you happen to see Zen who looks to be returning from a late rehearsal.

The actor's eyes widen when he sees you, and he runs up to you, pulling you into a tight embrace. The force and abruptness causes you to falter and take a few steps back, but Zen doesn't let go of you in the slightest. "Thank goodness..." Zen breathes out a sigh of relief. "Are you okay? The media didn't try to hunt you down or anything?"

"No, I'm fine," you answered him as another burning question rested on your lips. Hesitantly, you ask, "Hyun, do you love me?"

Zen pulled away just enough to look at you. "Yes, of course I do! Why would you—"

"You never told me."

Zen's eyes widen as realization dawns on him. He was so overjoyed when you confessed your feelings to him that it completely slipped his mind to reciprocate it in words. How could he have been so inconsiderate and selfish? Shame grows in his chest when he sees the fear of rejection in your eyes, and he buries his face in the crook of your neck. "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to— _I love you_. I _really_ do."

The actor repeats those three words over and over again, making up for all those times he had the chance to say them but never did.

When you offered him a shoulder to lean on when he was having a bad day.

"I love you."

When you were busy studying but always made time for him and his selfish whims.

"I love you."

When you cooked for him when he was struggling with finances.

"I love you."

When you gave him gifts and even suggested a stage name for him.

"I love you."

When you encouraged him and that one kiss turned into something more.

"I love you."

When you said you believed him and not what the media had to say about his scandal.

"I love you."

When you offered your body and soul to him last night.

"I love you."

Zen takes a shuddering breath before pulling away from your neck so that he could stare at you in the eyes as he reaffirms his feelings for you once more, but he knows it won't be the last. He will continue to utter those three words to you in the days to come, if you would allow it. Silence finally falls between you two, but Zen's words still echo all around you and your very being before Zen decides that it was too cold to stay outside and ushers you inside the warmth of his apartment.

You sit quietly on his couch, hands folded neatly on your lap as you stare ahead while Zen prepares some drinks for the two of you. There's a certain distance between the two of you again and the tension is high despite the activities the two of you engaged in last night, but perhaps it's precisely because the two of you jumped into it too quickly that the tension was there in the first place. It was an emotional night, in more ways than one, and then...things just happened.

Zen definitely thinks he moved too quickly, wanting to take things much more slowly like take you on dates and shower you with gifts, but he was so high-strung from recent events that it was hard to keep a rational mind at the time. He doesn't hate it, however. Last night was one of the best nights of his life, he shamelessly admits, and there was no way he would be able to forget it. The actor finishes pouring the drinks and makes his way over to you, handing you your cup.

You merely hold the cup at your lap, however, and instead you ask, "Hyun, what are we? What's... What's our relationship?"

"We're..." Zen starts before quickly trailing off, his eyebrows furrowing together.

You smile wryly at his response, almost as though you were expecting it. "You don't know either, do you?"

"No," the young man admits with a small sigh as he sets his drink down and kneels down in front of you so that he was at eye-level. "But I do know what I want our relationship to be."

"And what's that...?" you ask as you set your drink down beside his before giving him your full undivided attention.

Zen smiles softly at you as he takes your hand in his, "I want our relationship to be where we could tell each other anything and trust one another. To laugh and smile together or just sit comfortably in silence together. To ask about each other's day and listen to it like it's the most interesting story in the world. To hold hands just for the sake of holding hands. ...What about you? Do you know what you want our relationship to be?"

You can't stop the love-struck grin from spreading across your lips as you nod. "I want our relationship to be something deep and meaningful. To be able to look at each other and think about how lucky we are. To overcome whatever the world has to throw at us together. To give hugs and kisses just because we _wanted_ to and not because had to. To stay up all night just giggling with each other like we're the only ones in the world..."

"I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend," Zen wraps everything up into one simple sentence, and you nod in agreement.

"Same here."

The actor's eyes look at you with so much warmth before he closes them deep in thought, "...Do you want to stay the night with me?"

"Yes," you breathe out without a moment to lose.

* * *

"Seriously, Hyun?" you ask, exasperated as you stubbornly cross your arms over your chest while sitting on the bed. "You've already ' _slept_ ' with me before, but now you can't actually just sleep with me?"

Zen shakes his head, still standing by the door. "Well, no, it's not that. I just..." He trails off before shaking his head once more and walks over, taking his spot beside you on the bed.

Satisfied to finally have the actor beside you, you lie down and get comfortable, and Zen follows after you, tucking the both of you in. The both of you reach for each other's hand at the same time and find yourselves laughing softly when you easily find it and intertwine your fingers together. You scoot yourself over closer to Zen, and he rubs his nose against yours, causing you to scrunch your face. You glance up towards him and squeeze his hand. "I love you."

"I love you too," Zen answers immediately afterwards and rests his forehead against yours, his hair tickling your face which prompts you to giggle. Zen blinks at you curiously, "Are you ticklish?"

"No," you lie, but it's easily seen through when Zen continues to nuzzle you, allowing his hair to trail over your skin, and you giggle softly again at the sensation. Not too long afterwards, you yawn, exhaustion finally catching up with you after what was a very mentally and emotionally taxing day, and the actor's expression softens as he kisses your forehead, the action urging you to sleep and chasing away your lingering doubts and anxieties on Zen's scandal with you and your plans with Iseul for tomorrow. For now, though, your world only consisted of Zen and this moment, and you fall into a deep and comfortable slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied; here's one more chapter before I take a small break as I try to work through the details of where this story would go.  
> I decided to lead a few of you on into thinking that Zen's and reader's was going to be peachy perfect now that they slept with each other, no matter how passionate and emotional it was.  
> I wanted to cut off this chapter at the angst but figured it would flow better like this for what I have planned, whoops.


	15. Chapter 15

Unlike before, Zen is the first one to wake up, his eyelids slowly fluttering open. A small smile graced his lips when your sleeping face was the first thing to greet him in the morning, and he feels his heart soar. He was always a romanticist, so waking up beside the one he loved was like a dream come true for him. Zen breathes out a small sigh of bliss as he lifts a hand and carefully runs his fingers across your cheeks so as to not wake you, enjoying how it feels before his fingers travel to your hair and plays with a few locks.

Zen has no idea how he got so lucky to have you in his life again. It seemed as though you would always appear before the actor when he was at his lowest; he was almost certain it was fate. Things were different back then to how they were now, but seeing you sleeping so peacefully in his arms, Zen has no doubts that his feelings were still the same, if not stronger for you.

It's a bit strange, now that he thinks about it. This was completely different from what he imagined his love life would turn out like. He imagined meeting them by chance, and he would fall in love with them and they would fall in love with him. He'd take them out on dates and surprise them with roses, and then he would confess his feelings while gazing under the night sky. Then, when he was certain that they felt the same way as him, they would both make passionate love to each other.

Except his love story wasn't like that. The sex came first, and even then, the first time it happened, it was more impulsive and just fucking instead of actual love-making. But that didn't mean the two of you couldn't start right now. Zen was already thinking of places to take you for your dates; perhaps places you've spent time together before would be nice, except there'd be so much more now. He would hold your hand or wrap his arms around you. You'd probably get flustered, he thinks, but he wouldn't let go and just tease you. Or maybe you'd tease him.

Then the actor remembered he had the perfect place to take you to see the stars, but he wouldn't look at them because he'd be too busy watching the most beautiful person he's ever seen (asides from himself). Zen's smile widens the more he imagines your lives from now on, and he feels his cheeks start to hurt.

The young man is broken out of his thoughts when he feels you shift around slightly, letting out a small sound as you wake up. "Good morning, beautiful," Zen greets you with a loud ' _smooch_ ' on your cheek, and a small giggle bubbles out of your chest.

"Good morning Hyun," you yawned and offered a small satisfying stretch before easing yourself closer to the actor's chest.

"I must be dreaming," Zen sighs as he wraps his arms around you and gives you a squeeze. "There's an angel in my bed."

"Says the angel himself," you roll your eyes before reluctantly pulling away and sitting up. "I'm hungry. Do you mind if I use your kitchen?"

Zen shakes his head, "It's all yours."

You hum softly in response as you stand up from the bed, your back facing the actor as you start to head to the door. "Is there anything in particular you want to eat?"

"You...—no, wait! I mean—I didn't mean—" Your head immediately snaps back to look at Zen who's sitting there with a flustered look on his face. He's let his defenses down, and he accidentally let slip what he _didn't_ want to say but still very much wanted. The fact that the two of you have already been intimate has made him a tad bit more open to voicing out his desires, the impulsiveness of his past self slipping out from the comforting sense of familiarity with you. Zen covered his mouth with his hand as his face continued to darken with a heavy blush.

Your lips curve into a smile, knowing that the answer was an innocent—more or less—slip of the tongue. "Maybe next time," you respond with a sway of your hips, throwing your head back to laugh when you heard Zen's sputtered response to your promise.

When you look inside Zen's fridge, you're pleasantly surprised that he has proper food in it, meaning that he was taking care of himself. You opted to make a simple breakfast for the both of you, humming a pleasant tune as you moved around in the small kitchen. You were working over the counter when you felt strong arms slip around your waist from behind, Zen's face moving to rub against your cheeks.

"I love you," he reminds you with a quick peck on your cheeks, prompting you to hum in response.

"Love you too," you answer him distractedly, and Zen takes that as his cue to wait at the table for you to finish, taking out his phone and talking with the RFA. As expected, the topic of conversation was about the actor's scandal and what he planned to do. In all honesty, he had no idea, but when his eyes glance over to your form, he knows that he wants you by his side for it. Zen knows from experience with Echo Girl that impulsively going into a news conference without much preparation will do more harm than good, so he decides to keep quiet from the media for the meantime. Besides, the scandal involves you, so Zen wants to make sure that your input is considered as well.

You finish making breakfast and place a plate in front of Zen before taking your spot beside him on the table, and the two of you start to eat in silence. It should have been a nice meal, but your mind weighs heavily on your situation. Zen had another scandal over his head, and you...

"I have a 'date' tonight," you blurt out, hoping to just get it done and over with already. The young man looks at you confused and perhaps a bit pained. You continue, "There's...this guy at work, who's very insistent on spending time with me. Apparently he's going to take me out on a date tonight."

Zen remains quiet, knowing that you still had more to say. You take a shaky breath, and Zen's hand goes to rest on your shoulder for reassurance. You flash him a grateful smile. "Hyun, you understand just what it is that I do, right?"

"I do," he nods solemnly.

"I..." you trail off, struggling to find the right words, but Zen seems to understand just what it is you wanted to say. The hand that was resting on your shoulder trails down your arm and holds your own trembling hand.

"I understand," he speaks softly as his thumb traces small circles on your skin. "I'm not judging you. I don't know the circumstances and reasons behind your decision with your job, but I understand what you have to do. I might not like it, with me being a bit possessive and all, but I won't force you to quit if you don't want to."

"I want to quit," you admit immediately after. "Always have. I don't want to continue living like...like _this_ , but I don't know if I can do it so suddenly."

Zen shakes his head, "It doesn't have to be sudden. We'll do things slowly."

Your expression softens at his natural use of the word 'we', a word you rarely use but suspect will be spoken more now that Zen was with you. It feels strange, being in love. With Zen, it all felt so new but at the same time, familiar. It's like all of a sudden, you have a longing to have Zen touch you, but not like how those others do. It's something much deeper. More meaningful. There were no words to describe it.

You could tell that Zen felt a slight sense of uncertainty at your current relationship, and for good reason. Maybe you were being too pushy and forward towards the young man when the two of you slept together, but you craved for him. You craved for his love which he was more than happy to give you, albeit hesitantly out of consideration. But then, the way his hands touched you that night...it wasn't on just a physical level like with all those other men you slept with for their money.

No, Zen's strokes and soft caresses reached a deeper part of you. A part that you were so terrified to reveal and to look at, but he coaxed it out of you, and admired it all the same. Everything about you, he accepted and wanted to make a part of him too.

Reluctantly, you stand up from your seat, allowing your hand to linger underneath Zen's for a moment longer. "I should probably head home and start getting ready."

Zen nodded as he stood up from his seat as well, lifting your hand to his lips before he asks, "Will you be available next Saturday?"

"Yeah, I should be. Why?" You curiously tilt your head to the side, and Zen moves to loosely wrap his arms around your waist. He grins down at you, a small blush on his cheeks.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

With this, the two of you can finally start all over. Or perhaps it was just nothing more than a continuation. Either way, you nod enthusiastically, overjoyed, and Zen is too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was feeling uncertain about the pacing of this story and the relationship between Zen and reader, so then I kinda wrote some fluff to kinda comfort(?)/reassure(?) myself. ;;  
>  ~~(a.k.a. the calm before the storm)~~


	16. Chapter 16

Iseul had told you to wear something nice for tonight, but since you had no idea what he considered "nice" you opted for a more modest dress to wear out in public should his planned date happen to be in such a place. At the same time however, you needed to appeal to Iseul, so you made sure to put extra effort into your hair and make-up to accentuate a sort of sexual charm to make up for the outfit. You inspected yourself in the mirror, twisting and turning to make sure everything was in place when you heard your phone chime with a new text alert.

 _"Please text me if you ever feel unsafe. I'll come running to you,"_ Zen had sent you a concerned text.

Your expression softened, and you deftly sent a reply, _"Will do, thank you!"_

You tucked your phone into your handbag before making your way over to Masquerade. The sky was a beautiful hue of warm and cool colours melding together, and you decided to walk a bit slower just to better appreciate the scenery. Somehow, it felt as though the world became splashed with so much more vibrant colours than from your usual days, and it gave you a warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart.

Since Iseul had reserved for your time, you were left all alone in Masquerade with no customers to entertain while waiting for him to arrive. You sighed to yourself, wondering if this really was the best course of action. ...No, you shouldn't start doubting yourself now. This was how it always was for a long time now, so you just had to accept it. A knock on the door pulled you out of your thoughts, and you knew that it was a co-worker of yours to tell you that Iseul had arrived. Taking a deep breath to steel yourself, you stand up from your seat and put on your mask.

"You look beautiful," the young man greets you with a smile. You return it, though it doesn't quite reach your eyes, but he doesn't seem to realize that. Cold fingers brushed against your skin when Iseul moved to take off your mask. "There's no need for this tonight. Just lay yourself bare to me."

You remain smiling, uncertain on how to respond to that as you put away your mask in your handbag. Lay yourself bare? You bit back a sardonic laugh. There was only one man you would ever do that too, and he was somewhere else, possibly worrying as always for your well-being. Iseul takes hold of your hand and places his lips atop your knuckles and looks up at you through his lashes. You will yourself not to remember the warmth when Zen did the same for you. If you remember it now, you'll only be focused on him, and you couldn't have yourself being distracted by another man while on a date, even if there were no feelings involved. You needed to remain professional.

"Let's go," Iseul ordered, pulling you by the hand.

> _You sighed to yourself, completely bored out of your mind. You really should have been sleeping, but you just didn't feel tired enough. You were just about to let out another sigh when you heard a tapping on your window. Your first instinct was to jump in your skin before you tentatively turned around. A gasp escaped your lips and you ran up to the window, opening it._
> 
> _"Hyun!" you hissed through your teeth. "What on earth are you doing here?!"_
> 
> _The young man grinned widely at you, "I got your text about how bored you were, so I thought I could sneak you out and take you somewhere."_
> 
> _"Are you out of your mind?!" you asked, trying really hard to keep your voice in a whisper before glancing towards your door and then back towards the male. "What if my parents find you here? And oh my god, get down from there; it's dangerous!"_
> 
> _"Only if you tell me you'll come with me or not," Zen said, extending a hand out towards you._
> 
> _You looked at it hesitantly as you chewed your bottom lip. Finally, you grumbled, "Fine." Despite the tone of your voice, you were more than eager to put your hand in Zen's as he carefully helped you out, his grip on you firm and reassuring so as to not let you fall._
> 
> _"Well then, angel," Zen whispered in your ear, "shall we go?"_

You weren't sure what kind of "date" you were expecting from Iseul, but it certainly wasn't...this. Well, thinking about it again, having a date in a super fancy restaurant did seem like something somebody of his demeanor would do, but you thought that it would be reserved more for someone...special to him. There was a small sense of unease in you, but you tried to enjoy the date as is. After all, Iseul hasn't actually done anything to make you feel unsafe. And besides, you were always ready to call Zen if needed.

To be honest, however, you felt rather out of place. Of course, you knew proper table manners and etiquette, so it wasn't like you were calling attention to yourself, but this just wasn't a world you were used to sitting in. Everything was so extravagant and almost blinding, you were amazed at how you managed to keep your cool despite the sudden change in your surroundings.

Overall, the date was surprisingly pleasant. Both you and Iseul engaged in small chat, but never about your past or personal. _Never_ anything personal, but that was fine. That was how it should be. As soon as the two of you were done there, he took you by the arm and led you back to his car.

The night wasn't over yet. The worst part was yet to come.

* * *

As soon as the door was closed, you were forcefully shoved onto the bed. You already knew by now that while Iseul might seem pleasant at first glance, he was one of those who were drastically different when it came to the private matters in the bedroom. He was much more harsh and controlling, finding pleasure in rough sex.

You were still trying to recover from being pushed before Iseul's weight was on top of you, his lips capturing yours. Quickly, your mind tried to catch up so that you could prepare yourself for everything that came next. If you were prepared, then it wouldn't hurt as much. Experience has taught you that. You make sure to put up the submissive act that Iseul seemed to like when he roughly bit your exposed flesh, eliciting a sharp hiss from your lips.

This was new. He never left marks, and you were curious if something had happened that caused him to change his mind. Another sharp bite, and you shake the thought away. You didn't need to know. All you had to do was play along, like you always did.

"Those news articles may have said that you were sleeping with that musical actor, but these marks are proof that you're _mine_ — _not his_ ," Iseul murmurs against your skin.

...Oh, so that's what this was about. You internally debate as to whether or not you should mention that you don't actually belong to him, but you bite your tongue for now as his hands roam across your body, and you get to work as per usual.

By the time you wake up the next morning, you're feeling sore all over, as expected. And just like before, Iseul is nowhere in sight, and you find yourself breathing out a sigh of relief as you slowly sit up on the bed. You go to retrieve your things when, once again, your eyes land upon the single rose on the bedside drawer with a note attached to it.

_"My darling angel,  
I had a lot of fun last night. Thank you."_

You press your lips together in a firm line, eyebrows furrowing together before you start getting ready to leave, hoping to leave the unsettling feeling behind. By the time you get home, you're too tired to do anything else. You discard Iseul's note and rose before stripping yourself down to wear something much more loose-fitting and comfortable. You allow yourself to sink in the couch, your eyelids falling shut when your phone vibrates. Groaning to yourself, you sit up and glance at the text message, your irritation washing away when you saw Zen's name.

_"Good morning, angel! I just wanted to make sure you were okay."_

_"I'm fine,"_ you answered the actor, lying back down on the couch. _"Tired, but fine."_

Not even moments later, you received a response. _"I'll be sure to give a massage next time!"_

You giggled to yourself when you imagined the enthusiastic expression Zen must have had when he sent the text. For an actor, he was awfully transparent in his texts with you. You closed your eyes once more as you imagined Zen's hands on you, massaging you in more ways than one, and you bit your lip in an effort to suppress the stupid grin on your face as you debated on whether or not you should tell Zen what you were imagining right now, but the events of last night had really taken lots of your energy, and before you knew it, you were fast asleep, leaving the text unanswered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curious question for you guys! Which of the flashbacks is/are your favourite(s) thus far?  
> Because this one is probably my most favourite, plus the riverbank one.


	17. Chapter 17

Zen was finally able to take a small break, going off to a corner by himself to catch his breath when Seung had called for him. The actor internally grimaced, knowing full well what the topic of discussion was going to be about. It's been a few days since the scandal about Zen being seen leaving a club with a woman at hand came out, and the young man had been waiting since then for Seung to finally bring it up, knowing full well of the impact it might have on the overall production.

When Seung saw the distressed look across Zen's face, he laughed and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "You're not in trouble, don't worry. There's something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay," Zen nodded in understanding but still couldn't help but feel a bit of unease.

Seung crossed his arms over his chest as he gazed at the actor seriously. "Do you like [Name]?" the male asked, and Zen blinked in surprise, not expecting that kind of question so suddenly.

"I don't see what that has to do with work," Zen answered slowly and carefully, alternatively shifting his weight between both legs.

"It doesn't," Seung answered him simply. "I'm merely asking as a friend of hers who doesn't want to see her get hurt any more than she already has. She tries to act tough, but she's still rather sensitive about things..."

"...I love her," Zen answered truthfully with a hint of shyness in his voice. Admitting it to someone else seemed to make things so much more real. Satisfied with the actor's response, Seung nodded. "...I've always had..." Zen adds quietly to himself.

> _Zen heaved a sigh, cigarette in hand as he leaned back against the railing of the bridge. He kept his gaze at the evening sky, enjoying the feel of the breeze against his skin and through his hair. It was peaceful and quiet moments like these that Zen enjoyed the most. Sure, he got a thrill from being in the motorcycle gang, and he liked the excitement of their daring adventures, but in the end, all the young man ever wanted was a place for him to belong. And that was what small moments like these provided, but it was still missing something. Someone._
> 
> _Zen wanted someone. A special someone to make him feel loved and accepted for who he was. A wry smile made its way onto the young man's lips. With the way he was, he highly doubted it would ever come true, but he still couldn't help but hope and dream. Just then, Zen felt somebody's gaze on himself, and he turned to look in your direction where you had stopped walking from your trip home to admire the male._
> 
> _Zen immediately recognized you. He had seen you around before when walking to and from school. He had seen you walking with your nose buried in a book. He had seen you laughing amongst friends. He had even seen you skipping and giving the occasional twirl to dance along to the music you were listening to. Needless to say, Zen had a lot of fun watching you from afar whenever he did catch sight of you. You were just so full of life and joy._
> 
> _The young man stared at you as you stared back. Amongst the colours of the evening sky, he can see the small flush on your cheeks, and he couldn't help but try to tease you a little, his lips curving into a mischievous smirk while flashing you a flirtatious wink. He saw your blush deepen, and he chuckled lowly to himself. Zen knew that you needed to walk past him as per your route, so he waited for your steps._
> 
> _The young man kept his eyes on you the entire time as you walked by him. This was the closest he's ever seen you, so he tried to pay attention to all the small details of your appearance. At some point, he saw your steps falter, and Zen immediately sprung to action. He extended an arm out, effectively catching you by the waist. "Whoa there... Careful now, are you okay?" He asked, bringing his face a bit closer to yours to check if you were alright._
> 
> _When you let out a squeak of embarrassment, Zen quirked an eyebrow at the sound. "How cute!" The young man accidentally found himself speaking his thoughts out loud and you hastily and awkwardly straightened yourself up. Your voice sounded pleasant to the male as you mumbled out apologies before going on your way once more._
> 
> _Zen kept his eyes locked on your retreating form, biting his lower lip to contain his excitement. When he caught you, there was a surge of electric energy that ran down his spine. It felt both exhilarating and delightfully pleasant, and Zen debated if he should try hanging out at the bridge more often._
> 
> * * *
> 
> _It's the same bridge where Zen first met you just a few days ago. The rain was heavy, but Zen didn't particularly care as he leaned back against the railing. He was tired and hungry and just in a really shitty mood overall. It was just one of those bad days where he would end up remembering the home and family he ran away from, turning his day into a bad one._
> 
> _"Are you okay...?" Zen looked up at the voice, only to be greeted by you as you gazed at him with concerned eyes while holding an umbrella over your head. The confusion must have shown in the young man's expression, because you continued, "um, you looked...upset, and I just wanted to make sure you were alright...a-as a thank you for helping me that one time..."_
> 
> _...An angel. That's what Zen first thought of as he processed your words. Somehow, his mood lightened up just the slightest bit at your concern towards him, and he smiled appreciatively, silently wondering to himself if he would be capable of tempting an angel such as yourself to sin before shaking those dirty and rude thoughts away._
> 
> _"I'm fine," Zen answered, but his voice ended up sounding weak, and his stomach grumbled at the same time._
> 
> _He looked away, embarrassed, and you tentatively extended a hand out towards him, offering a small and nervous smile. "How about we get you out of the rain first and buy something to eat? Don't worry, it'll be my treat."_

Zen snapped himself out of his thoughts when he heard Seung sigh. The actor looked at him curiously, and the male gave a small smile. "Take care of her, okay? She's been through a lot already."

"...I know." Zen doesn't know the specifics of what happened in your life since he reluctantly left, but he does understand that you've been hurt and jaded by the world and people in it, and he wasn't going to let you go through that again.

Seeing as the conversation was done, Zen decided to get back to rehearsal. In all honesty, the scandal's been bugging him that he can't help but be on edge. He's received scrutinizing stares from his co-workers and even lost some fans with this new scandal, but the actor tries to brace himself through it. They don't know the story behind it. They don't know _anything_.

* * *

By this point in time, Zen has way too much pent up energy inside him. The stress of work and the scandal, in addition to the excitement and nervousness of his planned date with you has him pacing in his apartment. Zen was trying to figure out what kind of date might be to your liking and how to make it absolutely perfect when a knock sounded on his door.

Curious, the actor opened it, and he frowned almost immediately afterwards when he was greeted by none other than Jumin. "What do you want?" Zen asked, his tone coming out much harsher than he intended. He muttered out a quick apology.

Of course, this didn't bother the corporate heir and he merely allowed himself inside, prompting Zen to roll his eyes. "I was wondering what you plan to do with that new scandal over your head. There's only so much money and power I can offer to help you, you know."

The actor sighed heavily, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm...working on it. You know what happened last time, remember?"

Jumin nodded. "Of course I do; however, if you don't do something soon about your scandal with that whore—"

The corporate heir never got to finish his sentence. Zen had lunged at him, tightly grasping at his collar which surprised Jumin. "She's not a whore," Zen spoke lowly, ending the sentence off with a snarl.

Jumin was able to recover from his shock fairly quickly, exhaling an exasperated sigh. "She's a woman who sells her body. Isn't that what they're called?"

It wasn't meant to be an insult, Zen understood; he was just speaking matter-of-factly. Of course, the older male wasn't wrong, but it still irked Zen. "...Just don't call her that," Zen relented, deciding to just leave things as that and slowly let go of Jumin's collar. The young man muttered out an apology for his brash actions and misdirected anger, but as always, Jumin didn't seem too affected.

The air was stagnant until Jumin decided to speak again, "You should start thinking about what it is you want to do for yourself and for your career."

Then, without another word, the corporate heir left Zen all alone with his thoughts. The actor groaned, frustrated. He knew what he wanted, but he wasn't sure _how_ to get it, or if he was even _worthy_ of it. All he wanted was to share his dream with a special someone. You had become that special someone to him, but with your current situation, he wasn't sure if he could share his dream with you. Zen's seen the things spoken about the scandal. While it did bother him that so many people were accusing him and calling him names, he was much more upset at what they said about you. Zen was fine with being mistreated, but _you_? There was no way he could _ever_ forgive anyone for calling you such degrading things.

The actor mutters out a small curse under his breath. He was high-strung and needed to let off some steam, so he decided to go for a quick run. Something to burn his pent-up energy and clear his mind. Unfortunately, Zen was far too distracted and ended up bumping into someone.

"Ah, I'm sorry!" Zen apologized, embarrassed. When he didn't get a response and only a sharp glare, Zen shrunk back, mentally berating himself for not being more careful. He really needed to get himself together, for both his sake and yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this update! I've been starting to get second-thoughts about my writing which made it really hard to work on my multi-chaptered fics, but I finally managed to push through for this one. "OTL  
> Next chapter should be something a bit more fluffy, so please look forward to it. ;;


	18. Chapter 18

The following days pass by uneventfully with no change from the norm, and before you knew it, it was time for your date with Zen. Needless to say, you were both excited and nervous. It's been a _long_ while since anybody's taken you out on a date (Iseul doesn't count to you since it was "bought"), and you wondered on how you should act.

"Just be yourself," you muttered, but that only left you in further turmoil.

You've had to put up so many facades just to survive and get by; you weren't as great of an actor as Zen, but you did end up forgetting who you were along the way. Forgetting who you were or just changing overall; you weren't too sure exactly on what it was, but it left you feeling scared. Who were you supposed to be? What were you supposed to be like?

You shook those troubling thoughts out of your head, not wanting to dampen the mood or ruin your date. After all, this was what you always wanted.

> _"I don't trust him."_
> 
> _You bit your lower lip at the comment and glanced up at the aspiring actor who stood in front of you, arms stubbornly crossed over his chest. "Why not?" You asked, trying not to let your frustration show._
> 
> _This was your chance. You finally had a chance of going on a date and possibly getting a boyfriend like you've always wanted. You've waited restlessly to have Zen ask you out, but it seemed to you as though he didn't share the same feelings for you, always pulling away whenever you tried to get close to him. So you gave up on Zen. You gave up on the idea of ever being in a relationship with him, but god damn, the young man made it difficult for you to find a new love._
> 
> _"I just don't!" Zen answered, exasperated, as he scratched at his head. "Don't you think it's strange how a guy like him would ask you out?"_
> 
> _You took a step back, eyes wide and feeling insulted. "E-Excuse me?! Are you implying that I'm not good enough to have someone ask me out?!"_
> 
> _Zen's expression twisted to one of guilt when he realized how careless he was with his wording. "N-No! That's not what I meant!"_
> 
> _"Then what did you mean?!" You were getting increasingly agitated the longer this argument went on. It was almost time for your date, but Zen refused to let you leave._
> 
> _"I meant—I just mean—Argh, listen! I don't trust him!! He's going to put you in danger, okay! I just know these things!" Zen's voice desperately grew in volume, almost begging, but you refused to back down so easily._
> 
> _Why? Why weren't you backing down? Why were you being so stubborn about this? Had it been anything or someone else, then Zen would have relented, but he's already seen it. He saw it in his dream: your broken state as you stared lifelessly ahead after what your date did—no, would do—to you._
> 
> _But how could the aspiring actor tell you about his dream? In the times Zen spoke about his prophetic dreams to someone else, they would always look at him like he was crazy and then keep their distance from him. The young man couldn't bear that. Not you. At least, not you..._
> 
> _"Why are you getting in my way of possibly getting a boyfriend?!" You were infuriated, tears spilling out by now._
> 
> _" **Because I lo—!!** " Zen gasped, catching himself just in time and stopped from saying anything further, biting his tongue._
> 
> _You raised an eyebrow, curious as to what he was about to say, but the aspiring actor remained silent, avoiding your gaze. You scoffed, moving to push Zen away. "I am going on that date, and I won't let you stop me."_
> 
> _"No, wait! Please!" Zen begged, but you were already running out the door. "...Damn it!!"_

...In the end, Zen was right. Your date at that time was forceful with you, and you were left feeling uncomfortable and scared. Thankfully, Zen was able to come in on time and save you. He was your knight in shining armour, and you felt guilty for not having listened to him at the time. Ever since then, you typically avoided any kind of date, but now it was different. You were going on a date with Zen himself, the one you've always loved.

You reached for your phone to briefly scroll through your social media while you waited for Zen to come pick you up like he promised. Your eyes scanned over what people online had to say about the actor's scandal, and you frowned. ...Maybe this date wouldn't be a good idea. If Zen was seen hanging around with yet _another_ woman, then wouldn't that just do more harm? You were wearing your mask last time, so of course nobody would know that you and the photographed woman in the scandal were the same, but still.

A knock resounded on your door, pulling you away from your thoughts. You took a deep breath to prepare yourself, and when you opened the door, Zen involuntarly let out an impressed whistle. He then realized how rude he was being and quickly apologized. "S-Sorry, it's just... you look... wow..."

You laughed softly to yourself. "What's wrong Hyun? Cat got your tongue?"

Zen scrunched up his nose at that which only made you want to laugh more, but he effectively cut you off by surprising you with a kiss on your cheek. He grinned in satisfaction at your surprised expression before offering a hand out for you to take. "I had a friend convince a friend to offer us a ride so that we could get to our date location in peace."

"Where exactly are we going?" You asked.

The young man smiled as he brought up a finger to his lips and winked. "It's a secret."

Well, now you were mostly excited rather than nervous. You climbed into the car with Zen following behind you. He rested his hand on your knee before reaching for your hand. Without really thinking about it, you leaned to rest your head upon the actor's shoulder, prompting him to kiss the top of your head. There was a comfortable silence between you two, basking in each other's presence and giving an occasional squeeze of your interlocked hands as though reminding yourselves that this moment was real.

Eventually, the two of you arrived at your destination. Zen helped you out of the car and thanked the driver before excitedly pulling you along with him to walk up a bit of an incline. You glanced around; it almost looked as though you were in the middle of nowhere asides from the thriving greenery, and you and Zen were the only ones there.

Once you got tired of looking at the scenery, you directed your gaze back to Zen, and your heart skipped a beat. He wore an excited grin on his face, eyes twinkling. You found yourself involuntarly squeezing his hand which he squeezed back without a moment's hesitation. As soon as the two of you reached the top, you gasped at the scene before you.

It was the city just down below; the sight of seeing the bustling life you were living in being so small like this somehow made you feel...free. You leaned forward against the railing. Seeing your lonely back like that made guilt rise in Zen's chest. The last time he saw that was ages ago after he saved you from a dangerous date.

> _Zen's footsteps stopped just a fair distance away from you. It was late, the night sky acting as a blanket as you leaned against the railing of the bridge where you first met Zen, your eyes looking far into the distant. For a second, Zen was worried that you were contemplating on jumping, and he went to wrap his arms around your shoulder from behind._
> 
> _"...Hyun," you breathed out the aspiring actor's name, relaxing underneath his touch._
> 
> _"Aren't you cold?" He whispered softly in your ears, afraid of breaking the peaceful quiet if he spoke any louder. You shook your head, so the young man asked another question. "...Are you okay?"_
> 
> _You paused, thinking about your answer before you quietly nodded your head. At that, Zen tightened his hold around you, pushing himself further against your back. "Hyun...? What's wro—"_
> 
> _"I thought I was going to lose you," Zen choked out, burying his face into your hair. "I thought... I thought I wouldn't be able to get to you in time."_
> 
> _You remained quiet, letting the aspiring actor's words sink in. A gasp left your lips when you were suddenly turned around, Zen's hands cupping your face. He kept his intense gaze on your eyes before flickering over to your lips. He wanted to kiss you. He wanted to kiss you so badly to reassure both you and him that you were safe and sound in his arms, but he restrained himself. He couldn't. He shouldn't. Somebody so broken like him didn't deserve to be loved by someone as precious as you. Instead, the aspiring actor pulled you towards him once more, burying your face into his chest, reminding himself that he should be grateful to even just be friends with you._

Zen's arms wrapped around your waist from behind. "What do you think?" His lips were near your ear, his breath tickling you.

"Liberating..."

At that, Zen's grip around you tightened, and he buried his face in your hair. "This is where I go to whenever I have a lot on my mind... Seeing the city from up here makes me feel like whatever problems I have seem so small... I wanted to share it with you."

You hum in response, not knowing what else to say before Zen turns you around to look straight into your eyes. His gaze was intense but comforting all the same. "I want you to share your troubles with me. Whatever problem or thought that you feel you need to share... please share them with me."

You find yourself taking a shaky breath as Zen continues to stare into your eyes. "I don't know if I can... I... W-Won't I just trouble you...?"

"No, not at all," Zen shakes his head, smiling at you as his hands go to cup your face. He leans down, resting his forehead against your own. "You have never troubled me once in the time we knew each other," the actor whispers against your lips. "I want you to trust me more... Trust the love I've always had, _do_ have, and _will_ have for you."

You exhale softly, finding it difficult to form the words you wanted to say. "...Okay."

You seal your promise with a kiss, Zen pulling you as close as he possibly can against his body. A few moments pass, the two of you lost in each other's warmth before reluctantly pulling away, and the young man decides it's about time to resume your date and changes the atmosphere to a more light-hearted one.

"Well, our date's just starting! I wasn't sure if you would appreciate being in crowded places, and I was afraid of attracting unwanted attention, so..." Zen trailed off as he guided you a bit further to an area under the shade of trees where a blanket was laid out with a picnic basket resting on top. "I thought it'd be nice to have a picnic date all alone in my secret spot."

You find yourself smiling as Zen guides you to sit with him following soon afterwards, and you correct him, " _Our_ secret spot."

The actor offers a wide grin, his cheeks a slight shade of pink. "You're right. _Our_ secret spot." Zen remains quiet, allowing the words to sink in before he clears his throat and changes the subject. "I had Haejung help with the food, so it should be good to eat."

"Oh, right... You're hopeless in the kitchen," you laugh, amused. "Remember that one time you tried baking cookies and they ended up salty because you mixed up the salt and sugar?"

Zen suddenly becomes defensive at the memory. "You still ate it all though, so that's something! Besides, I filled them all with love, and that's all that mattered!"

At that, you throw your head back, laughing so hard you have to clutch your stomach. You quickly reduce your bark of laughter to soft giggles as you crawl up to Zen and straddle him. Your fingers thread through the young man's hair, and his breath hitches. "I'd much prefer if you filled me up with your love," you smile coyly, and Zen's face flushes several deep shades as he stares at you, wide-eyed.

"Th-t-tha-that's—That's—"

"Hyun," you interrupt the male's stutters, and he effectively shuts up, gulping. You lean in close, your lips barely brushing against his own. "This is the part where you kiss me," you whisper. As soon as your words reach Zen's ears, the young man sighs in mock defeat and pulls you in for a deep and passionate kiss, leaving you breathless.

The actor gently lifts you off of him and lies you down on the ground, never once leaving your lips. He presses himself on top of you, trying to close as much distance as possible between the two of you, and you roll your hips against his. Zen pulls away from the kiss, cupping your cheek and staring at you with half-lidded eyes before he sits up, the mood abandoned.

"Let's enjoy the food," he says as he brings his attention back to the present. You nod with a small smile, trying not to let your disappointment show on your face as you follow after him.

* * *

After experiencing such a wonderful and fun date, you're reluctant to part ways with the actor. The two of you stand in front of your apartment door, quiet and unmoving. The night is silent, and there isn't a single soul outside except for you and Zen. Eventually, you bring yourself to speak. "Thank you for today. It was...fun. It's been a long time since I last had that much fun."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I did..." You nod. "Very much so..."

Zen's expression softens, and he takes one tentative step towards you. The young man cups your chin, and he slowly leans down to kiss you. He goes to pull away far too soon for your liking, so you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him back fiercely. Zen responds in kind, cupping your face and pushing you back against your door with a soft thud. The impact surprises you, and you open your mouth which Zen takes as his opportunity to slip his tongue inside.

You moan loudly against him, thankful that nobody was outside to witness this. Almost as though reading your thoughts and remembering where you were, Zen pulls away from you with a small gasp. "We can continue this inside," you offer breathlessly. To be honest, you didn't really care if you continued inside or outside, just as long as you were wrapped around Zen.

The actor shakes his head, but he doesn't seem to make a move to go any further than that kiss either. He doesn't want it—he doesn't want you, you think, and you bite your lip in disappointment. But if that was Zen's choice, then you would respect it. "Good night," you decide to end your date there, and it's a struggle to hide the bitterness in your voice, but you still manage it somehow.

"Good night," Zen replies, giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek. "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it needs to be said, but some flashbacks _are_ related to other ones, even in other chapters. (;


	19. Important Update!

Getting straight to the point, I'm thinking about rewriting this fic entirely and make some changes to the plot. I realized while re-reading over it and looking at the plans I had for future chapters that it was unnecessarily messy and complicated.

I don't know if I'll keep this fic up and just write an entirely new piece so that people could re-read through this whenever they want or to just delete all current chapters and re-work it from here. Which one would you prefer? If I publish a new work separate from this, I'll probably title it as "Catch Me When I Fall" just to kinda keep to the whole theme(? I can't find the word right now, whoops)

The plot will more or less be the same (follows Zen's Bad End 2; meets up with friend (you, reader) from his rebellious phase who used to be a model student but somehow "went down the wrong path" along the way), with a few plot points more or less the same (mostly the flashbacks part), but hopefully much more improved, both in terms of content and actual writing.

* * *

 

If you're curious to know as to what I had planned for CMIYC, you know Iseul? Yeah, a bit of a mistake on my part. I was going to have Iseul play a larger role in the story; he was the one that Reader went on a date with (chapter 18 flashback) that Zen saved her from (chapter 7 flashback). Iseul was supposed to be the son of a rich business man but was going through a rebellious phase at that time and enjoyed leading women along and "breaking" them (physically/emotionally). Zen had a prophetic dream of Iseul mistreating Reader (chapter 18 flashback) and so rushed in and punched the guy before he could do anything to Reader.

Iseul got pissed because he was basically an entitled teenager who didn't get what he wanted, so he decides to call up some friends and basically hunt down Reader to use as a hostage/bait for Zen. Reader fights back and struggles against him while he's trying to drive on his motorcycle, and she causes them to crash. Reader was lucky to be left with only a few cuts/scrapes and a concussion, but the fact that Reader got hurt because of Zen made him feel guilty and decide to leave (chapter 10 flashback).

Iseul on the other hand ended up with a few scars, and while his father paid the press/authority not to mention anything about the crash to protect his son from being scrutinized for his ways, Iseul only felt resentment for both towards Zen and reader. He decided to get plastic surgery and dye his hair black (he originally had light brown hair) to change his ways. He then finds Reader at Masquerade, and still feels bitter resentment towards her and Zen, so he decides to "play" with her (she doesn't recognize him) (chapter 10). Iseul then finds the scandal between Reader and Zen (chapter 14) and thinks this is the perfect chance to give them hell. He actually bumps into Zen at some point (the end of chapter 17).

After that, it got complicated because I had no way of knowing how to resolve the conflict with Iseul. I had the thought of using Jumin and his power/money, but that would have been a huge cop out, and I didn't think it would be fair to Jumin as a character to be solely used as a plot device like that. The more I thought about it, the more I slowly started to realize that I was trying to push Iseul to cause drama just for the sake of causing drama, and I didn't like that.

So the new and improved CMIYC (or CMWIF if I publish it as a new work) will be focusing more on Zen trying to help Reader improve her life rather than have some unnecessary drama/conflict mixed in. I want to focus more on their relationship and the struggles they face from society and its expectations/scrutinizing views on them, so it's more on self-reflection and self-discovery rather than some kind of weird revenge thing.

Sorry this update thing is long, but I just wanted to get all my thoughts out on where I want to go with this fic as it's my most followed (or was, seeing as how feedback has kind of died down a bit), and I wanted you all to kinda be aware of what will be happening to it. I love this fic, I really do, so I won't be abandoning it. Just working out the kinks (pun not intended) so that you all have a better reading experience. (':

* * *

Actually, I kinda have an idea for another explicit work, but I don't know if anybody would be interested? It's kind of a mixture between this fic and my other fic, [Sinful Temptations](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9473564/chapters/21433376), where it takes place during Zen's rebellious phase, and Reader works as a prostitute then too. The two fuck on a daily basis with no real emotions attached, but each experience has the two eventually falling in love. I dunno. I'm just thirsty for some more Zen smut in his "bad boy" phase. (':

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Catch Me When I Fall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9628610) by [Alletsiva (Avistella)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avistella/pseuds/Alletsiva)




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